It's that time of year again. New year, same old crap to sort through! I really really really want an intern to clean out my email for me. And yes, before you ask, I only clean my inbox about once a year, sometimes twice. Because it takes a looong time. And it is boring. And I get mouse shoulder from all the clicking. And did I mention boring? I suppose if I had racier emails it would be more entertaining but I don't. Maybe I should start an illicit pen pal affair. Preferably with someone who is slightly outrageous and inappropriately funny, but also kind of unreliable. Then when I got an email it would always be a pleasant and titillating surprise! That'd be kind of awesome. So... any takers? I mean, for the intern. I really need to clean my email. I'll pay $10 an hour plus cookies. No?
It's especially bad this time of year because of all the holiday ads. I probably have at least 1000 ad emails alone. I try to unsubscribe everywhere you can unsubscribe but you cannot order a SOCK without them putting you on the list again! I mean, that's just unproductive, marketing to the cheapo buying socks. You're much better off targeting the person who spent $500 on a sweater instead of hanging out in my inbox unread. Although, I admit, some of the cluttering emails are for good causes that I stay subscribed to totally out of guilt. Like the Red Cross. I know where their office is to volunteer or take a class. But I feel bad for their volunteer marketing teams, because you know it's a bunch of college kids just trying to get enough experience to land their first job, so I keep getting their emails even though I don't want them. (I'm helping!) I used to get emails from some of the civil rights advocacy groups*, too. But then their emails starting getting really obnoxious, like super demanding and kind of needy. And righteous. Righteous obnoxiousness is the worst! Like reformed smokers** or those people who make everything into smoothies. I mean, seriously, stop making cheeseburgers into smoothies! It's not healthier because you put it in a blender! Just eat it regular-like! Maybe stop halfway through and eat some veggies! DAMN! It's not that hard!
Unlike cleaning my email, which, since no interns have applied, I suppose I'll have to do. (le sigh) Maybe I'll just do an alphabet letter a day, like all the Zs first. If I start backwards the emails won't have a chance to multiply, right?
Yeah, that makes sense. - wg
*I support your cause, not your attitude.
**Just kidding, I love reformed smokers. You are my jam!