Control Alt Delete

Massive writer's block.  Just stymied.  Or I've got too much floating in my brain and I can't organize it.  But I did decide to shut off my syndication feed.  I'd rather throw my words out into the black emptiness and see if they coagulate into something more defined.  Let the remnants of gravity and cosmic attraction mass elements together.  Besides there are too many audiences in the public eye with the potential to be offended. I.e. I don't feel like I can talk about what I want to talk about. And I haven't felt that way for a long time.  

(Except to those who I know will come find me. You know who you are.) 

I have been told that I keep myself busy, so busy that I avoid the things I really need to do.  And I do do that sometimes.  But that is not always the reason.  Sometimes I'm just stumbling around looking for the path.

A writer once told me that the way she got through her first novel was to take felt tip pen markers and write on big sheets of paper, which she hung all over her walls.  That is the only way she could get started.  If I could start with something that visceral I would.  I suppose that is why I flounder around doing other creative tasks; a hope for a trigger point, for flow.  I constantly feel writing in my gut.  But it keeps getting stopped up, clogged in my throat before it gets to or out of my head.

At least that's what it feels like.  Here you go darkness.

30 Days of Truth - Day 07

At the rate I'm going it'll take me a year to finish all of these.

Day 07 - Someone who has made your life worth living for

This one's easy because it's this dude right here.

Chance and kitten 006

My son, not the cat.  Although the cat is pretty darn sweet, but you know, fruit of my loom and all that.  Feelings are stronger when one bears the potential for poopy undies which one has lovingly washed numerous times in one's belly.  Wait, that came out weird.

So I'm attempting to "organize" and "frame" the family photos. (I mention this because I was looking for photos to post.) There are quote marks because I am dubious about my abilities to effectively accomplish either of these activities.  You know what I'm great at?  BUYING frames!  I have so many frames. I'm great at finding sales. I'm good at stacking them up for when the photos are ready. I'm even good at finding some off-the-wall creative way to frame a photo, like adding chalkboard paper to cute clipboards and hanging the photo with some pithy saying underneath... in chalk!  It's finding and editing and printing the photos that seems to be an issue.  Oh, and once I've found/edited/printed the right photo and put in in the frame then I discover there are no hooks on the back of the frame for hanging.  Yeah.

I seem to have gotten a little off topic this 30 days thing again. It's probably a self-protective mechanism.

Chance is the light of my life.  Bare bones time.  We all, everyone of us, have our fears for our personal safety... and those get so much more magnified when you have a child.  Those fears aren't for yourself any longer but for the ones whose hearts may break.  For the ones who might have to live without you.  (Unthinkable but easier to entertain than the truly unbearable.)  I'd always rather be the one hurt, the one in pain, the one who sacrifices... as long as my son is healthy and happy and safe.  You never know what you are truly capable of, the depths and heights of what you would do, until you have someone you are living for the way you live for a child.   

It puts a premium on safety and health. And photos. :)

Now I gotta go before I start crying.

30 Days of Truth - Day 06

Day 06 - Something you hope you never have to do

I'm just refusing to do this one on principle. I'm a parent. I think this one is pretty obvious for most parents and one of the things you don't do is talk about it or write it down!  It is not just superstition, we don't do this because it can send oneself into anxiety palpitations. Seriously.  Who the fuck made up this list?

So I had to take my car into the shop, or rather, the dealership, for it's "annual service" which is just plain ridiculous because in six years I've driven it 34,000 miles.  Yeah, I don't go anywhere or do anything fabulous.  I am grandma chic, turbo-charged.  However, oil changes and all that so in it goes.  The car drives like a dream but last year the five-year warranty ran out so guess what they found this year?!  Yeah, a big ol' leak and a cracked plastic cap that costs like $400 bucks.  (I can live with cracked plastic, thanks. The oil leak, not so much. Oh, the leak cost way more than $400. I just couldn't believe the price tag for plastic these days.)  Anywho, me being SO fabulous and on the go to fabulous locations like kindergarten and Target they gave me a loaner.  It is an AUTOMATIC.  Watching me drive down the street must have been hilarious as my foot insisted that the brake pedal was really the clutch.  I also don't know what the hell to do with my hands.  This is why people start texting in the car, isn't it?

So something I hope I never have to do, from the deep down bottom of my heart, is be without a manual transmission.

Thank you for your future adherence in this matter.            



30 Days of Truth - Day 5 (on resolutions)

I'm not one for resolutions. I think they're kind of a setup and for those of use who can't turn off the "what have you achieved" voice in our heads anyway they're also redundant. I'm more of a believer in the continuously revolving emotional ambush resolutions, thanks.  But since it's the beginning of the year and I've had some changes on my mind I thought I'd tie it in with the next 30 Days of Truth.

Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life

As I've mentioned before, for the last three years we've been trying to get pregnant. Keen is diabetic and just got diagnosed and healthy this last year so we figured the first couple of years were probably kind of a bust. And it wasn't all him because I was completely stressed out when Chance's SPD was first diagnosed and I'm sure that contributed. Every new year brings the thought, "It'll happen THIS year!", although every year that idea waned a little bit.  Then I had a miscarriage in August and we got pretty excited because it meant I could get pregnant. 

But this November I had another hormone test.  According to my latest hormone levels it will probably be very difficult to get pregnant.  I am 39 and perimenopausal. 

Then I started having pregnancy symptoms again. The month we weren't trying because I was emotional wrung out.  And then, just like in August, the symptoms stopped and I suspect I had another miscarriage, even though the tests came out negative.  It's just really hard to fake some of those pregnancy symptoms, especially the messy, painful ones like I tend to have, not to mention the 10 day period.

I am even more emotionally wrung out now, moving towards acceptance.  These last two almost-pregnancies reminded me how sick I get when I'm pregnant.  How much older I am now.  I could keep trying for a few more months. My end date has always been my 40th birthday.  But I'm not sure I want to keep trying... and keep having miscarriages because my eggs are too old to be viable.  Three years is a long time and almost pregnant sucks pretty bad. 

I think I'm ready to do other things.   

My general internalized goals have beent the same since I've been young.  I want to write.  I want to be published.  I want to live a creative life.  Even though you tell yourself not to, you quietly put a lot of things on hold when you're trying to get pregnant.  There are things you don't do.  There are things you hold back.  There is medicine you don't take.  There's a lot of little things I want to do that don't have anything to do with the big goals but will probably be emotionally healthier for me as a person.  I want to take cold medicine when I have a cold.  I want to take zumba and pretend I can sculpt my abs.  Book a flight without calculating how many months I "might" be.  Maybe learn how to play roller derby.  Work on other goals.  Stop denying myself "just in case".

I still feel like our family isn't done yet, but maybe one of the things I need to do is just be open.  Maybe our family will grow in other ways.

It's a new year and funny thing... pushing yourself and letting go feel an awful lot the same.

             - the weirdgirl

30 Days of Truth - Days 3 & 4, Now with extra bitterness

I'm doing this one together so you can really see the hypocrisy! 

Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for

I'm still in the middle of this so it's all emotionally muddled, but I've been trying to get pregnant for three years now.  Even though I know intellectually there were/are circumstances beyond anyone's control I'm pretty sure forgiveness (or lack thereof) is going to come up at some point. Or maybe the lack thereof is just ongoing.  It has moved past the point of "I want another child".  I really feel like Chance deserves a sibling; that it would be good for him, that it would be good for our family.  I have not been deemed infertile.  Everything should work but hasn't.  I did get pregnant, once, just this summer and had a miscarriage... on the way to BlogHer!  I drank and danced quite a bit in NY.  I hadn't drank anything in so long.  I've gotten awfully good at suppressing over the last few years.  It's hard to talk about forgiveness when you're still working through it.  Anyway, this prompt is supposed to be about what we have to forgive ourselves for and not about any actual forgiving, right?

I have an end date in mind that I'm coming up on soon. Because of my advancing age and rotten eggs.  I can't even frame words around that yet.

Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for

No.  In general, I am pretty damn forgiving and supportive.  I measure by a bigger range of what constitutes understandable human error than most people I know.  Everyone is fallible.  Mistakes are made - circumstances, mental/emotional health, lack of maturity/forethought all contribute to mistakes and we grow (or should) from them.  However, there IS a line and if you cross it I'm not forgiving.  That's God's job.  I can understand letting it go.  I can understanding not letting other people's past actions affect your day to day happiness.  But excusing the behavior?  No.  Plus, there's something about forgiveness that's become Hollywoodized and I don't trust it.  The big tearful moments of confrontation, the exclamations, the hugs?  Who is that for?  The person doing the forgiving or the person being forgiven?  Or everyone watching?  It seems made up.  Like the idea of honor, which as far as I can figure has always just been an excuse for men to do awful and violent things to each other.  In real life I think my line of unacceptable is reasonable, and I think people who know me would agree.  So yeah, I might sound like a rigid bitch but I don't see any reason why I should forgive people who've crossed that line.

And THAT'S how fucked up I am!

For the record, that line is in the "hurting children" category, not the "she scammed on my boyfriend" category.                    - wg

30 Days of Truth - Day Two

This week has been a little nuts.  We had some tantrum episodes because once I typed about how things were fine, I jinxed myself.  Again. I really gotta stop doing that.  And I LOVE me some Halloween!  But when did it move from one day of the year to a several day event?  As a society, we're not managing expectations well. 


Day 02 - Something you love about yourself.

I love that I'm a creative person.  I like thinking differently from the norm.  Even if it makes me a little quirky.  I like making things.  I like looking at something and seeing what else I could make it into, or making something brand new from scratch.  I love all forms of art.  I love other creative people, new ideas, new points of view.  I enjoy playing with words and being witty.  I don't always manage to be witty but the days where my brain cells line up the right way I like spinning a funny story or coming up with an outrageous scenario.  Just for my own enjoyment.  I don't always say the right thing.  I don't think I say the wrong thing but I know I sometimes say things people don't expect.  Or maybe are not supposed to be said?  I'm not always good at those social clues; at the fitting in with certain crowds.  I know I'm supposed to care more about that but I don't.  In high school where I was definitely branded a nerd weirdo, it hurt but I wasn't going to change who I was.  Frankly, I enjoy my own creative temperament.  I probably entertain myself way more than I entertain other people.  (And I totally find that funny.)

Being a kid is hard because you haven't realized yet that not everyone thinks in the same way(s).  So if you're creative, or just think a little differently, it can be painful.  Finding friends, resisting pressure, feeling comfortable being yourself.  As adults it gets easier, of course, by then you've met people who want to be creative and struggle with it.  I appreciate it more now.  I love being creative.  In my mind there are more ups than downs. (Except for the sad support of poetry in our current culture, but that's another rant.)

Even though this week has been nuts this is the time of the year I get to immerse myself in it, the quirkiness and the hot glue, the glory of building and the disaffected off center.  The other.  It's rather delicious. 

You know one of the things I love about this 30 days thing?  I don't have to think up a title!

Irony noted.                  - wg

30 Days of Truth - Day One

I've been feeling a lot lately that I have the blog from blah hell so I'm going to give this a go. There is a list at Avitable's, but I'll post the list again at the bottom.  I probably won't do this 30 days straight, because it's my world and even if it's blah as hell I still have control of the blahness. That's my disclaimer and I'm sticking to it. :)

Day One - Something you hate about yourself.

I am really hard on myself.  It puts me in a bad space.  Ironically, unlike most moms, I'm not hard about everyday decisions or my parenting choices but I'm really hard on myself about meeting personal goals.  For example, when I even question being hard on myself a little voice inside my head says, "Well, you can't be that hard on yourself or you would have accomplished more by now, wouldn't you?"  I had a lot of lofty goals when I was young and I have not met them. Actually, they weren't that lofty, they are completely doable. 

And there's the voice in my head again. 

I beat myself up a lot about how I spend my time.  The voice never completely shuts off and it's only getting worse as I get older.  I mean, shit, my mid-life crisis is just around the corner.  Buying a convertable won't cut it for me.  I'd like to stop pressuring myself but on the other hand, part of me is afraid of losing that voice because then I won't accomplish anything.  I've really built a vicious circle for myself.

It's not that I haven't accomplished anything; it just never feels like enough because I haven't approached the "big goals".  Something I hate # 2, and somewhat related to this, is I get stuck in my head and I think I'm probably being distant to my family.  I say I "think" because when I'm stuck in my head it's also up my ass and I can't see very well in there so it's hard to judge how preoccupied I'm being.  Then the voice pops up telling me I'm wasting time in my head instead of getting shit done.

(Oh, and the big goal was to write a novel. The big BIG goal was to be a published author and be writing multiple things by now.  But I would be happy right now with one novel finished.)         - wg


Here is the 30 Days of Truth list:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself