I worry that I spend too much time in my own head. I’m one of those who thinks, reads, writes a lot, watches people, questions things; I have a lot of trouble turning off my brain (makes getting to sleep a bit hard). It’s not that I don’t talk to Chance, because I do. Especially when he is interacting back then I talk quite a bit – smiling, playing games together, encouraging him. I try to make it a point that when he’s in his most interactive moods to get down on the floor and play with him. Most of the parenting books say to talk to your baby, when you’re feeding him, changing him, going through the day, etc. But there are certain moments when I catch myself drifting off mid-sentence. I start thinking about something else while I’m talking to him and five minutes later realize I’ve been completely silent with my own thoughts. My only excuse is that usually these are times when he is not engaged with me either, i.e. I’m babbling to him as he eats and he’s staring intently out the window or playing with a toy. Sometimes he is just doing his own thing.
These conversations with my son are pretty one-sided right now and that may be part of the problem, the reason my mind wanders. Most people would tell you that I’m a very social person and I’m usually blathering along if I’m with a group (or even by myself, I often talk to complete strangers, much to their surprise, – I can’t seem to help it; I tend to view the world as a shared experience). I’m sure things will be different when Chance is talking more himself.
Still, it bothers me. Because I know the other part of the equation is that I just spend a lot of time in my head. I always have. And I don’t want to be one of those preoccupied parents, one who is so caught up in her own stuff/thoughts that she’s not paying as much attention as she should. I want to be present. And I want my kids to feel that I’m available, and that means my mental presence, too. So I am trying really hard to catch myself when I’m pondering too much (you know, quantum mechanics, the state of the union, shoes,) and for too long. To remind myself where I am and who’s around me. It’s another parenting goal to add to the long list. I worry, because I know myself well enough to know I will continue to get caught up in my thoughts at times (like when I’m doing any kind of writing); it’s an integral part of who I am. But I hope that being aware of the problem will alleviate enough of it that I can still do a good job by Chance.
- the weirdgirl