Blame the Internet! A meme

Just so you know, I blame the Internet for everything.  Because really it is the source of SO MUCH!  For example,

I blame the Internet...

For the time suck games on Facebook

For making me feel vaguely concerned about such things as Klout and "Like" pages

For writing blog posts instead of working on my novel

For being deeply concerned that no one sets zombies on fire!  Really, it's a solution!

For giving me a false sense of social interaction

For relying on spellcheck

For considering online shopping while drunk (shoes!)

For feeling guilty

For gross videos that I CAN'T STOP WATCHING!

For not being able to keep track of my passwords by myself

For providing a real-time framework for existentialism

 

The meme: Just copy or add to this list, or create your own list of things you blame the Internet for, then pass it on! If you tag ten friends then you will have good luck with Twitter all day!


Generators don't get it

This is the sound of my writer's block...

I was fooling around with online poetry generators just for fun and oh my god, are they awful! I know half of them are meant to be funny, but there's some that seem to be halfway serious. Or mocking the whole poetry world as an artform.  Really mocking.  Meanly.  It's kind of disheartening, actually.  I understand that a lot of people have a really hard time understanding poetry, but it's not so inaccessible as all that.  Why are music and lyrics so easy?  Why is booty shaking supported as art, but poetry is mocked?

gah.

I started this post off as something funny and it turned on me. Cheer me up, R.E.M.

Improv time. Anyone want to throw me a few random words and I'll see what I can come up with?  Because it's gotta be better than this...

Love is a old lad.
Sharks travel like rough whales.
Desolation, desolation, and life.
Winds fall!
Oh, faith!


When Fall shortcircuits the brain (I blame school)

Dear Weather,

I am entirely frustrated with you.  I've never met anyone so fickle.  First, you ran cold all summer and I've got to be honest, weather, sometimes when a girl says she wants to pick her tomatoes she's not just being cute. Then when I absolutely gave up on all vegetable fun, you decided to come on strong.  I also really don't appreciate the heat wave while I'm making jam.  Hot kitchen + boiling fruit + flashbacks to equally miserable days of youth does not equal a good relationship.  And now you're right back to playing it cool while making heated innuendos.  Guess what? I'm not going to hang around forever while you decide what season you're in!

I've really tried to be patient but this is just not working. The sweaters are out in stores now. Get the hint.

P.S. I know it's totally tacky to leave this note on the windshield of your car but what the hell's up with not returning my calls?

              - wg

***********

Real conversation - my mom (that's Grandma to you folks) talking with her two grandsons.

Grandma: So are you two having fun at school?  What do you like about it?

Diego: Recess!

Chance: Yeah, recess!

Grandma: Of course you do. Is there anything you don't like about school?

Diego: I don't like the praying mantises.

Me: The praying mantises?  Are they in a cage?  (I'm thinking they're a class pet.)

Diego: No, they're on the edge of the playground.  There are seven of them.  And they're this big!!  (Shows me hands about 8 inches apart.)

Me: Really?!  Do they chase kids down and attack them?

Diego's eyes get big and very thoughtful.

Grandma: So Chance, what don't you like about school?

Chance, quite seriously:  The plumbers.

***********

This just in, meterological experts have detected a strange asteroid has entered our solar system.  Astronomers suspect that this new asteroid may be the cause of recent unpredictable weather patterns, and not El Nino like originally thought.  The asteroid also seems to be projecting some type of spore-like residue towards earth.  While authorities want the public to know there is nothing to worry about it is suggested that citizens avoid insects - that's right, insects - until the asteroid passes through our system.  More information will be coming soon as scientists continue to research this phenomenon. 

In other news, government officials suggest that anyone working with water to please check in with local health authorities. Strange behavior has recently been reported in water workers, including "lurking".  When key officials were asked if this had anything to do with possible contamination from asteroid spores they answered, "No comment".  Again, if you notice anyone exhibiting this behavior, or if you feel the need to "lurk" in restroom facilities, please go see your doctor. 


Got guidance?

We canceled our newspaper subscription and now I find I never know what the weather is going to be.  Or the news.  I am sadly ill informed.  I should be watching it but I find the news on television is 1) more depressing and 2) too fucking slow.  I want to speed read through all the pertinent items and avoid the fluff, and then I want to read the comics to negate the horror.  Ironically, for as much time as I spend on the Internet, I haven't gotten in the habit of reading news feeds regularly.  Part of this might be because I keep screwing up Google alerts.  I know, how do you manage to screw up a Google alert (you weirdo)?  I don't know, but I know I have because I KNOW there's a lot more news stories about aliens than I'm getting.

The UFO type of aliens. Not immigrants.

I would like to give a big shout out to all the mom's out there!  I hope everyone got their heart's delight in goodies. I tried coming up with something inspirational to write. But I failed.  Too many writing projects I'm juggling.  The mind taps out.   However....

...maybe I can come up with something improv inspired instead?  Any takers?  Throw out a few random words and let's see what sticks. 

           - wg


More Lying During the Holidays

I was over at Always Home and Uncool and he reminded me that it was time once again to churn out the family newsletter! Yeah, we’re one of those families… except for the small fact that I totally make mine up. I mean, I think we spend our year like most families… work, school, a vacation or two, a lot of TV. My method is just way more fun (and yes, I really do send it out). So while I’m working on this year’s edition, I thought I’d share last year’s…

Dear Friends,

We hope you and your families have had a wonderful year since last holiday season! It’s been quite exciting for the wg/Keen family this year. As many of you know we moved to a bigger house last spring, which we’ve enjoyed immensely. Even more so after we stumbled across a cache of old gold coins buried in the back yard! (I was putting in roses.)

The gold coins – Spanish in origin – came at a great time as we hadn’t had a family vacation since that whole France debacle. To commemorate the find we decided to wing down to Peru and take in some of the local Incan ruins. After hiring skilled guides, Keen, Chance and I trekked into the mountains for some camping and archeological spelunking. It was quite beautiful and the weather was perfect. None of us even got so much as a bug bite.

The only issue during our trip was Chance who, then obsessed with cats (or “kitties!”), kept wandering off into the wilderness in search of the many species of small cats native to South America. This caused us quite some concern but before we could put him on a leash (ha ha!) something happened near the end of our trip that made it even more memorable. Chance, on one of his feline quests, scaled up a cliff into a small cave. When we climbed up after him and poked our heads over the rocky edge we found Chance wrestling a giant mountain cat! We were horrified and feared for his life, but Chance had it well in hand (he’s wily like a monkey, that kid). After he subdued the great beast the guides were amazed to discover that it was not a mountain cat as we first thought… but a legendary American Cave Lion, thought previously extinct and lost to antiquity! With the guides help we managed to transport the prehistoric lion down the mountain and turned it over to the National Zoo. The Peruvian zoologists were incredibly grateful and extended an open invitation whenever we’d like to visit.

Unfortunately, our camera was accidentally mauled by the lion and we are only left with our memories of this spectacular trip.

Chance is now obsessed with bunnies.

The rest of the year has been a quiet yet treasured one spent at home. We hope you all are well and that your year has been as exciting and unforgettable. Merry Christmas and many blessings to you in the New Year!

Love always,
The wg/Keen Family


Everyone Blogs After Work

“Brains! Brains! Annnnnnnd….. they’re gone.”
“Whew! I needed a break. I’m still trying to digest that last batch. Is it just me or are they getting easier to catch?”
“Nah, definitely easier; even doing the stiff-leg shtick . Can’t complain, though!”
“You said it. Far cry from waiting for teenagers to make out in the graveyard, huh… Whoa DUDE!
What?!
“Oh my god! You totally have brains all over your cheek! No, no, don’t touch it!”
“Why not? Fuck man, you scared the crap out of me!”
“That totally looks like Abe Lincoln’s head! I gotta take a picture.”
“Shut up!”
“No really! Here, take a look.”
“Oh shit…” [both start laughing] “…you’ve got to post that one! That’s crazy!”
“Seriously. Talk about history repeating itself. Poor Abraham just can’t get a break.”
“Maybe you could photoshop in a bullet.” [both laugh harder]
“Wait… was he shot in the head?”
“Ummm… no, but he was shot. It’ll still be hilarious.”
“ABE!”
“Abe’s Brains!”
“Hungry Abe!”
[both fall silent gradually]
“OK... enough of this shit. I guess we should get back to work.”
“Yeah. Hey, where you headed after this?”
“Down to New Orleans. They believe in all that voodoo stuff, you know, so it’s not just seasonal pickin’s… it’s like all year! And the nightlife is just hopping. How about you?”
“I think I’m going to head to the East Coast.”
“Really?”
“I haven’t been in ages; thought I might check it out. And this one guy started begging for his life, you know how it is, and he threw me a bunch of cash and gave me this list.”
“A list?”
“Yeah, he said this bunch” [pulls out list] “would be extra tasty. Just like dessert.”
“These are all politicians and lobbyists!”
“Really?” [starts laughing again] “You follow all that?”
“Eh… it comes in handy. No one follows up on the disappearances much. Hold on… that one? That’s one of ours.”
“Which one?”
“Palin. Part of the union and everything.”
“Figures. I'll keep that in mind.”
“Hey, what did the zombie say to the politician?”
“What?”
“Damnit, don’t eat Mom!”
[groans] “Dude, I think we gotta call it a night soon.”


One Lift Too Many

The scene - Early evening at Stan and Janet Barkley’s house. Their guests for dinner are Michael and Gail Stevens. They are just sitting down to eat while Stan serves from the buffet.

JANET:  We are so glad you made it over for dinner!  We don’t get together nearly enough.

GAIL:  I know!  Oh my goodness, dinner looks lovely!  You really are a marvel, Stan.  So, what’s new?

STAN, conspiratorially:  This is my secret twist on Chicken Jerusalem.

JANET:  Well, both the kids are off at camp so we’ve had the summer to ourselves for once.  Oh, and I just got back from a fabulous spa trip!

STAN:  Now I know white wine is traditional with chicken but I think a good pinot noir goes with everything.  Hope you don’t mind.

MICHAEL:  Hey, what can you have against great wine?

GAIL:  Spa?  Ooh dish.  Where did you go?  What did you do?

JANET:  It was amazing!  The place is called The Virgin Rose.  The entire spa is devoted exclusively to vaginal rejuvenation.

MICHAEL: cough choke

GAIL:  Excuse me?

JANET:  I know, I know, TMI!  Ha ha!  But after having been there… I would tell anyone… anyone about it.  Stan, do you think we need the other salad dressing?  I’m serious, I’d tell anyone… Get. Your. Hoo-hoo. DONE!

MICHAEL:  O-KAY, wait a minute!

GAIL, fascinated:  You actually had something done… down there?

MICHAEL, turning to Stan:  Should we leave?

STAN: shakes his head while serving pasta

JANET:  Not just one thing!  I spent four days getting the works and I still have a few treatments to go.  There’s a whole specialty field now around sprucing up our most valuable asset!  Ha ha ha!  You can get lifts, you can tucks…

STAN:  Who wants dark meat?

JANET:  A little botox here, a little collagen there.  Laser doing… well, whatever it is that the laser does…

GAIL, to Michael:  Honey, here, have something to drink.

JANET:  Now granted the chemical peels sting a bit, but I am telling you… SO worth it! I feel like I’m fifteen again!

GAIL:  Wow.  (She turns to Stan.)  And what do you think about all this?

STAN:   It’s been great!  Just like when we first started dating!  Ha ha ha!  Although… and this is a small thing… it has started to look a bit odd…

Girl with Joan Rivers head for crotch

Thanks to Evyl for contributing “vaginal rejuvenation” for this one!  More commenter-inspired posts to come.  If anyone would like to make more suggestions just leave a comment here.
         – the weirdgirl


Open for poking

My brain is mush today.  Granted, Chance woke us up a couple times last night because he was running a fever and kept waking up thirsty.  But get this, I was also running a fever... did not feel sick at all!  I'm not sure Chance felt all that sick either because I asked him if anything hurt or if he was tired or, you know, nag nag nag with the usual mom questions and his response was, "I feel OK".  He just wasn't eating much and was thirsty a lot.  His temperature, at one point, was almost 103!  Mine was only 100, but for me that's a fever.  It's just, you know, if your skin feels hot and the thermometer is showing that you have a fever you'd assume that you'd be feeling symptoms of some kind or another, right?  We had even run around doing errands and going to OT before I even noticed we were both hot.  It was probably one of the stranger pseudo illnesses to hit this household.  (I blame the government.)

Anyway, I think my brain is mushy more to losing sleep than damage from weird, experimental diseases being let loose into the environment, or maybe it's the time of year, but I could use some help nudging the old brain pan awake.  So I am soliciting YOU, yes YOU, loyal readers to maybe throw out a few words and/or phrases and we'll do another little round of improv posting. 

Thank you in advance for anyone who helps!           - the weirdgirl

Previous commenter-inspired improv posts:

Dominant Lactating Mommies
Shakespeare's Mustard
Painful Playgroup Moments
A New Medium
Next in Line
The Internet Makes You Crazy
When Mutant Love Goes Commercial
Let the Good Times Roll
You Give Me Fever
Dildos and Cough Drops
Foo-foo Improv

(Did I miss any?


I've missed the memes

I was tagged by Summer with a meme!  I’ve noticed that not nearly as many memes circulate as they used to, but I still think they’re fun every once in a while.  Great for the end of the week especially.  This is a nice short one.

5 Things About Me

  1. Even though I’m half Hispanic I am very fair (it’s the Irish side).  I LOVE to sport a light tan in the summer (real or not) but every time I sit out in the sun I secretly worry that for every oh-so-light shade of tan I build I’m also creating another grey hair somewhere on my body.  There’s only so much melanin to go around.
  2. I am a tea junkie.
  3. I totally believe in ghosts.  (discuss)
  4. Every time I fill out a survey or form that asks for “highest level of education completed” I feel bad about not finishing my MA.  The rest of the time I feel fine about it.
  5. I’m a sucker for small pretty things, such as marbles, shells, and rocks.  I think this also partly explains why I make jewelry even though I don’t wear it a lot.

I now tag Andrea, Hannah, Lori (to get back in your blogging groove), Jason, and Jennifer to continue the fine meme tradition.  Have go!            - wg

DSC02953

Foo-foo Improv

Well, there have been some interesting lines, songs, and words contributed by you grand folks.  And I admit this whole experiment has sent me back to prepubescent camp days (and maturity levels).  Check these out. 

First up, things your kids are singing.

"What's Wrong With Your Ass" from Summer's daughter.

"Up the butt the world so high" during Twinkle Twinkle Little Star from demmom.  (I SO have days like this.)

And from Foradifferentkindofgirl's boys, everyone's favorite word... butt munch!   (Ha ha, butt munch.  Yes, I AM three.)  This one definitely needs to be worked into a song.

     *******

A song contributed by Muddleman (I'd really love to hear the tune to this.)

I am a villain, a dirty rotten villain,
I leave a trail of blood wherever I go, I go
I take delight, in stirring up a fight
I beat babies on the head until they're dead

I have gotten, a rap for being rotten
I put poison on my grandma's shredded wheat
I eat
raw meat

I fell from a window
a second story window
and caught my eyelash on a sill
a sill

Go get an axe
there's a fly on baby's mustache

A boy's best friend is his mother
your a liar
your another
my father shot a horse

Yay, father!

     *******

Variations of Twinkle, Twinkle seem to very popular.  There is even a version on my son's potty chair, that surprisingly doesn't use the word tinkle.  However, Jason's suggestion cracks me up...
"Tinkle, Tinkle on the Neighbors Car"   Classic!  I've got to remember this if the neighbor's piss me off.

     *******

This one's by me.  Sung to the tune of Fraere Jacques (And I have no idea how to spell frare. I suck at French.)  Words suggested (duodenum and expunge) by Evyl (who is living up to his name. Evyl, I'm still working on those other words you threw me.)

Duodenum, duodenum, shoots out food
(eventually);
Expunge those greasy burgers,
fries and pepper poppers,
all brown now, all brown now.

(For this to truly be a kids’ song it should end with farting sounds.)

     *******

And another one, words suggested (Schwinn, slackers, and snakes) by Jade. Sung to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle.

Banana Seat Love

Darling boyfriend, you’re a slacker,
Saw you with her, want to smack her,
Our love I thought would never shake
Once down my back you dropped that snake,
I passed you notes, you passed them back.
(Hopped-up words are ‘tweener smack.)

Crushed to see her on your bike,
Looking like a gap-mouthed pike.
She’s so ugly, you’re so mean,
Hope your teeth turn spotted green.
You’ll never get my love again.
(Unless you let me ride your Schwinn.)

        - the weirdgirl


Foo-foo

I know there’s this new movement to make traditional children’s songs more PC.  However, I swear this is what Chance has been singing lately. (Loudly, I might add.)

“Little bunny FOO-FOO! 

HOPping through the FORest!

… scooping up the winos,

[mumble] booty [mumble].”

I don’t know the words to the song, per se, but I’m pretty sure there is a disgruntled teacher at preschool who needs a raise.      

Hey, I got an idea! I’m in the mood for a little random word improv.  Someone throw out some random words and I’ll try to come up with children song lyrics as interesting as my son’s.  Or if you have any entertainingly creative lyrics, from your kids’ or your own, drop me a line and I’ll add it here. 

       - wg


Eating too much pirate booty...

...because I've been cranky, that's why.  For reasons I will go into later.  I've been working SO HARD on reducing my stress, living healthier, blah blah blah, and then something comes along making me feel all anxious and tired.  Again, I'll go into it later.  And no, I'm not pregnant.  (damnit)  However, I thought the following were a lot of fun.

I saw this one over at Chag's and had to do it.  The rock band meme.  Here are the rules...

  1. The first title on this page is the name of your band.
  2. The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.  Click the "New Random Quotations" button for more.
  3. The third picture on this page will be your album cover. You then take the photo and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your picture.  Please don't forget to give credit.  (Which I totally forgot to grab.  Sorry unknown photographer.  I suck.)

My rock band album.

And_it_doesnt_work_copy

(Apodemia Mormo is latin for the Mormon Metalmark, a species of butterfly.  No, I'm not kidding, that's really what I got.  I figure with that one you could either go new age-y (blech!) or total deconstruction.  I vote deconstruction.  Maybe market PDM! for short?)

OK, and as for the second cheerer-uper... subculture nerd alert: I've been enamored with girl roller derby since leagues started popping up again.  SO cool!  (I think most people's reaction, upon meeting me for the first time, would be a little confused, but trust me... all the guys I grew up with would be like, "Roller derby?  That's SO you!")  A new league is trying to start up in my area and I would totally be interested in trying out/learning more/just being a groupie if it wasn't for time, money, and having a million other things on my plate.  I did just start drum lessons, after all.  Oh yeah, and trying to get pregnant.  Methinks roller derby and preggos don't mix.  But it is fun to dream and roller chicks have the coolest names ever

So check out a roller derby name for yourself.  Here's mine.  (OK, it's way more fun, and creative, to come up with your own, but I'm into the mindless variety of entertainment tonight.)

If you decide to do either of these, drop me a line in comments.  I'd love to see your rock band/roller derby coolness!            - the weirdgirl    

Your Score: Elenore Brusavelt

      

59% fight, 50% speed

             

      You are Elinore Brusevelt.. slow and steady..        

Link: The Whats Your Roller Derby Name Test written by mirmir123 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
View My Profile(mirmir123)

Dildos and Cough Drops

I’ve been dragging around the edges of this cold when I suddenly realized I hadn’t posted in days. Complete space.

And since I’m still a little spacey I thought I’d go back to the one or two commenter suggestions I’ve got left. (Still working on that mammary one, though, it’s just not gelling.  *snick*) I’ve decided to tackle “Embarrassing Moments” courtesy of Andrea.  Tackle is actually the right word here because I don’t get embarrassed all that easily. The moments have been pretty rare and as I get older they’ve been even less frequent; I think it’s a combination of better mouth control and just not giving a shit.  The times that immediately come to mind fall more under the range of “total humiliating failure” more than your everyday “embarrassment”: both incidences of which involved being pressured as a teen into performing music in public, once with piano and another time with hammer dulcimer.  Total. Choke. Some of us aren’t meant to be performers (which real performers never seem to understand!).

So I’ve had to think about this quite a while to come up with some general embarrassing moments. Like the time I inadvertently made a comment about needing a nap after sex. I was at work and I just hadn’t meant to make that comment out loud.  In front of my male coworkers who bust out laughing. But still that’s only a five-minute embarrassing moment, you know?  Anyway, so I continued to search my fading memory for appropriate examples… and then I remembered THAT TIME.

Picture if you will a young couple in love.  I was 19, Keen was 20. He proposed a trip down to Disneyland because I had never been and we took in some general sightseeing as well.  Now please note, Keen was only my second serious boyfriend.  I had done some dating in highschool but, whereas today I meet young ladies who talk about their sexual experiences at 15 and their sex toy collections at 16… I was not that girl! I was more that nerdy girl who hung around with the guys. Think Ugly Betty, but not so high-strung. It never occurred to me to “explore my sexual power”, much less cruise through lingerie catalogs or buy the accessories to hook a hottie (or go it alone).  What can I say?  I was a gawky teen and a late-blooming one at that.

Fast forward a couple of years… by that time (obviously) I was no longer virginally-challenged but I still wasn’t altogether comfortable proclaiming my sexuality to the world. It was “private”. Bedroom matters stayed in the bedroom.  Blah blah blah.  But of course, I was still curious about all things sex. I just never used the word “orgasm” in group conversations (back then).

So me and Keen are in the Hollywood and Vine area on this trip when we come across a… you guessed it… a huge lingerie/sex shop.  Being that I am curious, and it wasn’t in our home town, I timidly followed Keen into the store. At first it was just honest perusing of the lingerie and discreet snickering of the sexual aids.  We slunk (or maybe that was just me) around the store poking at this or that, trying to figure out what a few items were used for, and definitely avoiding the sales people.  After a few moments I felt comfortable enough to wander away from Keen and started flipping through a rack of teddies.  And that’s when Keen decides to call to my attention the biggest frickin’ dildo I had ever seen!  This thing was so big it could be seen by horny aliens in outer space.  And at that point I hadn’t seen any damn dildos in real life and I still knew this was enormous.  Like, probably 20 feet long!  And not altogether stiff.  And very, very flesh-colored. Keen calls to me loudly across the room and then JIGGLES it in my direction!  Laughing.

Needless to say with a 19-year-old girl who is still skittish about her sexuality, my face froze into mortified oh-my-god-church-girl horror and I turned and ran out of that den of sexual iniquity.  Or rather, the den of horrifyingly embarrassing dildo encounters.

A word of advice, just in case I have any young male readers (doubtful) who are just embarking on new love… don’t shake any dildos at your girl.  Especially in public.

Unless she starts it.         

- the weirdgirl


You Give Me Fever (and I give you general goofiness)

We’ve all got the sniffles here in House of the Weird. Chance is down for the count. Me and Keen have been battling it with the help of lots of lovely drugs. I was going to be extra brave and attempt a Concentrated Effort at Potty Training this long weekend. However, I suspect that might be potentially traumatizing to do to a kid when they have a fever.

Cue: big booming voices, delirium enhanced lights

“CHANCE!… pee in the potty Chance!… want an M&M*?… big boys POOP!... CHA-A-A-A-NCE!”

(*M&Ms are our potty bribe of choice. KitKats will be used as the big guns.)

True story: When I was about seven I had the flu with a fever so bad I started hallucinating. At one point I saw three images of my mom, all standing in a row by my bed, doing that wavy body distortion thing they used to do in the Pepto-Bismol commercials in the 70s. And all the while those three moms are asking me (in scary hallucino-talk), “What’s wrong honey? What’s WRONG?” That pink shit used to make me feel ill for a loooong time.

I can’t do that to my son. M&Ms should be an important part of every kid’s life. I mean, besides the fact that the training would probably be an utter failure.

(Though I am kind of hoping he feels well enough soon to at least start the potty training this weekend.)

On another note I’ve still got a couple of commenter inspired posts to finish. The following baby was from Fuzz; he suggested a chick version of Budweiser’s Real Men of Genius commercials. I was having some difficulties early on but then I saw this…

 

Baby_blues_comic_2

 
The Real Woman of Genius would also have added plexi-glass divisions to separate the children, some sort of electro-magnetic, sound muffling field, and a password-protected alarm system (for security) to access the cart. Maybe even a pellet treat dispenser for the children to nibble on while you’re oh so blissfully trying on clothes in the dressing room. Ah…

Here’s to you Ms. Inventor of the Most Perfect Shopping Cart Ever! *sniff* (It’s so beautiful!)

And for those keeping track… an update! Month one of the Great KnockUp Project was a no go.  :(  Embarking onto month two!

- the weirdgirl


Let the Good Times Roll… or scare…or just eat candy

Good grief! Is it the 29th already?! Where the hell did October go?

OK, obviously I’ve been slacking. Let’s get back to business. Back when I asked for help for post ideas, Chag asked me for some favorite Halloween memories.

So many parties over the years. First I had them as a teen, as I had the parents that let me have parties (and all my friends were “good” kids – that kind of helps, when you know they’re just coming to hang out and not get drunk). Then later, other friends started throwing parties. I have a friend who (in his bachelor days) would transform his entire house into a haunted mansion, rave club. Every year it got a little more elaborate. You know those movies where there are impossible clubs with all gothic décor and twisting corridors of rave lights and gyrating bodies? Yeah, his Halloween parties ended up looking like that.

However, there are a couple of parties in particular that stand out. The first one was out on an airstrip. I had a buddy who was into skydiving. He invited me and Keen out for some festivities, but I was really wasn’t prepared for the scene we walked in on.  At first, everything seemed mellow… there was the airport building in the middle of fields with the airstrip next to it; groups of people standing around talking and drinking, some music playing. The costumes all seemed smartass and fun; like my buddy who was a nun with his mustache extra bristly. We chatted with a few folks and then walked around the corner of the building... where things were really going. We got there just in time for the fire-breathing to start. Now, understand, skydivers are a little crazy in general (they do jump out of planes) but I hadn’t really understood how much it extends to the rest of their lives. Watching these guys breathing flame, (which basically means you take a mouthful of alcohol and spit it as far as you can while holding a flame to it), and watching how… damn… close… some of them let that flame crawl back to their faces… yeah, these guys were nuts. A few of them got flames out six feet or more and wouldn’t cut off the flame until it was only a few inches from their mouth. After they ran out of fire-breathing fuel, the party moved onto liberal amounts of mooning each other, random maniacal laughter, and (I heard, we missed this part) some light-hearted titty-flashing, too.

My other favorite party was much more mundane. I was pregnant with Chance. Keen and I got the Oriental Trading Company catalog and were seduced by the splendors within! Spur of the moment we decided to throw a Halloween party for all the kids we knew: godkids, friends’ kids, family members. We made goodie bags, a menu of Halloween themed treats (severed finger wieners, spider cookies, etc.), and decorated up a storm. All the kids came over for trick or treating and partied down (as much as 1 to 7-year-olds can party). It was pandemonium and chaos and really, really fun. I was exhausted after two hours and could only sit (in my (pregnant) bee costume) and watch but I would do it again. There is nothing like watching kids have a blast, making their own memories.

Yes, I’m just getting more sappy every year.

I regret not having any cool spooky stories from childhood… breaking into a haunted house, spending the night in a graveyard, really spectacular tricks, etc. Though I do have this, our family ghost story, that the Phoenix posted a couple years ago. (Phoenix does a really excellent collection of scary stories every year, check them out.) 

When you’ve accidentally experienced the real spooky stuff, it’s hard to go looking for it.

- the weirdgirl


When Mutant Love Goes Commercial

 
OK, back to a little creative fun!  Inspired by Riley, because you know, somewhere, there’s a postcard with this guy in sunglasses.

 

Kids are running up and down the street with abandon.  The full moon is out and I’m enjoying a nice glass of the red while passing out candy.  There’s another knock at the door; I open it to find one strange little trick-or-treater…

“Trick or treat,” he said, in an unusually gruff voice for what I assumed was a toddler. He held up a Unicef box in a furry hand.

“Whoa! Um… what are you supposed to be, sweetheart?”

“I’m a platypus.”

“Oh my Go… I mean goodness, THAT is the most realistic costume I’ve ever seen! Where are your parents?” I craned my head to look down the sidewalk for the master costumers.

“No parents. I’m really a platypus.”

“You’re really a…” I started laughing.

“I’m not kidding. I’m really a platypus. Are you gonna give to Unicef or what?

“Whoo! I drank a little too much wine!” I said, still laughing, and reached for a handful of chocolate goodies.

The platypus sighed. “You know, I could sting you. We platypi have poisonous barbs.”  He made a half turned and slapped my leg with his tale. 

“OW!” I jumped. That sure didn’t feel like rubber.  “Hey… oh my… what…?” 

“Feeling flabbergasted? Yeah, I get that a lot.” 

“How…?”

“Well, we animals have always been able to talk; we’ve just kept it hidden. But recently the Grand Consortium of Animal Interests put it to a vote and we’ve decided to come out of the closet.”

“Are you serious?!”

“Yeah, right!  You think if all the animals – in the whole world, mind you – talked we could have kept this secret?  Nah, there’s just a few of us. Run-off from a semiconductor plant made a few changes around the pond.”

“Oh! Gotcha.  That seems to happen around here.”

“Yep. Soooo…,” he shook the Unicef box again.

“OK, here you go,” I retrieved a five-dollar bill from my purse and shoved it into the box. (I mean, if a platypus was collecting for Unicef in your neighborhood wouldn’t you give?)  “You have a good night, platy.”

The platypus grunted, “Thanks.” As he turned away I caught a very satisfied look on his face. Suspicion niggled at my alcohol-befuddled brain.

“WAIT a minute!” I called. The platypus froze and turned. “That really isn’t for Unicef, is it?!”

The platypus froze, sighed and turned back.  “OK, you got me. I’m sorry for trying to scam you… but you gotta understand how things are at the homestead since we’ve began talking!  It’s all going to a worthy cause, I promise!” He held up a conciliatory paw.

“Which is?”

“The wife, see, she’s gotten very material since the change. She suddenly wants all these things she was never interested in before!  She says that, ‘if we want to make it alongside humans then we’ve got to live up to their lifestyle.’ And what can I do?  I love her! I want to see her happy!”  

“Go on…”

“Well,” the platypus suddenly drops his head, looking ashamed, “She’s got her eye on this purse… It’s my own fault; I just can’t say ‘no’ to her.  She’s still as hawt as the day she first buried her eggs! Sleek fur, perky bill…” 

He looked ready to wax poetic. “So which purse?” I interrupted.

“What?"

“Which purse?”

“Oh, it’s um… a Coach.”

I snorted, and rolled my eyes. “You can keep the money.  I’m not a fan but at least it’s not Juicy.  You’re gonna have to hit a lot of houses buddy.” 

“Tell me about it.”   


The Internet Makes You Crazy – Case in Point

I’m still a little buried with work crap but it’s starting to slow down.  Here’s the next in the series of “inspirational” posts. Because I like things a little kooky... a story for you, inspired by KC.    

          - wg

 

My name’s Little, Rickon Little. I’m a detective.

I’ve been in the business a long time and this was a first… a case so foul it turned my stomach and put me off fried chicken forever.

I walked into the hotel room and surveyed the chaos. It was ugly. Uglier than a passle of hookers snorting coke in the harsh glare of day. You know the scene… they haven’t gone home yet to change and their bruises were showing. No one wants to see that.

Three men and two women were sprawled dead in various parts of the room. One was even bare-assed as he reached towards one of several laptops, the hand of another victim a foot behind him and clutching a pair of pants.  Buckets of KFC and bottles of Two Buck Chuck were scattered amidst the furniture like a drumstick-eating Tasmanian devil had gone berserk. I can tell you one thing… blood and eleven secret spices don’t mix.

Several police officers were busy getting sick in the bathroom.  I tapped the one remaining patrol man on the shoulder. He turned a white face towards me but otherwise appeared steady.

“You got IDs yet?”

“Almost sir, we know that all of the victims were in town for an academic convention and we’re cross referencing the attendee list now. One of the other guests knew the guy in this room but he couldn’t ID the other professors. Apparently, they all came up a few hours ago to do research. The chief is thinking this is a ritual killing, probably surprised them in the room and…” The officer’s voice cracked, “Whoever did this is one sick fuck! My god, we’ve got to catch this guy and put him away! Look at this place…!”

His tone started getting hysterical so I gave him a good slap. Plus, I just find slapping someone around helps me get the gears going when I’m working a case. Not that it was absolutely necessary now, but that hit felt sweeter than mangoes.

The police officer had just told me all I needed to know.

“There won’t be anybody to throw the book at, Officer. Or rather, the encyclopedia.”

“W-what?”

“I can tell you exactly what happened. There was no outside murderer. These scholars killed each other! See the grease-smeared skin, the wings completely devoid of meat to expose the musculature, the blue lips? I’d guess that at least two of these victims were forcibly choked to death by chicken bones.  The rest probably died from blood-loss. You know the breast-plate makes a good slashing weapon in a pinch.  Most likely an academic discussion of the chicken’s evolution got out of hand.”

“I don’t see…”

“Oh, don’t you? Well, let me paint you a picture. All the computers have browsers open to Wikipedia. And not just to random search pages… these people were entering in articles!  It’s well-known that academics are notoriously competitive. Usually it’s not an issue, secluded as they are in tiny college offices mustier than 3-day old NBA jockstraps.  But here at the convention, these scholars were finally face to face.  Oh, it probably started out friendly… birds of a feather sharing ideas, someone innocently suggests research over dinner… but it doesn’t take much for old jealousies to surface, disparate theories to create tension, arguments to erupt!  Add a little alcohol and the Internet and you’ve got a recipe for deep-fried disaster. Obviously, these people were disputing the merits of one of the Wikipedia articles. My guess is one of the scholars went to edit the encyclopedia and all hell broke loose.”

“Are you fucking nuts? Sir?”

“Collaboration has a dark side.  Darker and smellier than the hole eggs come out of.  These professors learned that tonight.”  I turned towards the door, feeling the satisfaction of a job well-done.  “Tell the chief, ‘your welcome’ and my report will be on his desk by morning… 

I’m going for burgers.”


Next in Line

Even though I had meant to do a fun, commenter-inspired post every day sequentially since I asked for your suggestions and I was all excited about my plan and what I was gonna write, plus I was gonna add some cool Halloween stuff (‘cause it is October), instead

I got hit with a couple of big projects for work – one of which kept me up until WAY too late in the middle of the night last night. So, big apologies all around, I’m going with another of the shorter segments tonight. (No worries, my brain should regroup by tomorrow.)

This is kid’s say the darnedest things, inspired by Andrea.

Well, actually, my son isn’t talking clearly enough yet for us to make out all the apparently hilarious/outrageous/interesting discourse he’s engaging in… but I do have this (translated exactly):

 

    thac you from leten us to cum to your houes


Is it a note from aliens? A foreign blackmailer? A future porn star?!

Nope. It’s a note from my goddaughter, age 6. And I’m almost certain she isn’t an alien.   

(Well, it made me laugh. It’s the English major in me.) - wg