It’s the Pits… In the Best Way Possible!
April 12, 2021
I don’t know how to start this one. I have been SO excited about it… and yet, it’s weird. I mean, not completely circus clown freaky weird, but probably not something most people would get that excited about. And yet. I AM!
I have been doing laser hair removal this year of our pandemic. I wasn’t excited to begin with. I was hesitant, and curious, and wary, and struggling with the decadence of it all! Laser anything is pricey and there are just more important things than burning your hair follicles to a crisp. However, due to age and fricking menopause I have been developing… well… whiskers. Whiskers on my chinny chin chin. Dark whiskers that irritate my skin! And, also because of ageing, I can’t see them! I mean, they’re not imaginary or anything, they’re really there; I just can’t see them very well when I go to pluck them. I’m at that stage where I have reading glasses and distance glasses and neither one of them seems to be the right prescription to see these fricking hairs that I can feel but can’t see! (I can see them perfectly well, btw, after I’ve put on my makeup and am standing at a normal distance from the mirror.) Then, if I ask Keen (who also can’t see) to help me, he just stabs me in the throat with the tweezers.
Raise your hand if you’ve been stabbed in the throat with tweezers.
So naturally, I was bitching about my whisker-plucking dilemmas (and throat stabbings) when a friend mentioned laser hair removal. A-ha! That could solve everything! But I still felt kind of guilty and hesitant. So, like the good little wife of a CPA, I calculated how much time I spent shaving a day. Then I calculated how much time that would be in a year. Then I pretended there were cost analyses and interest and amortizations and other words my husband says that I only half listen to.
It turns out I spend about 10 minutes a day shaving, give or take, depending on the area being shaved. To be easy, I estimated overall shaving at an hour a week, or… 52 hours a year! What? That’s a week of work! Or vacation. Or some serious binge-watching. And that did not include the time I spent trying to pluck out these damn chin hairs!! Which takes a damn long time when you can’t see them. The chin bristles were also popping up at an alarming and increasing frequency, and extrapolating out I can only assume that meant it was an upward trend and soon my entire face would be covered in tiny, dark, vision-defiant whiskers. Sooooo between losing a week’s worth of valuable time and the fact that the hairs are clearly launching a territory coup on my face the only LOGICAL decision would be to burn the suckers off with lasers. Right?
Exactly. I had a consultation and set up my first appointment. I decided to throw my underarms under fire, too, because I figured, even if it didn’t completely work, a reduction of growth there would still be less time with a razor.
I don’t know if I can describe how much I love laser hair removal. Like LOVE IT! I thought it would make a difference, but oh my god! I saw a difference from the very first appointment. Half the hair shriveled up almost immediately. Over the months, the dark whiskers have gradually disappeared and what’s left are fine, downy hairs that you can only see if you get up close and personal. It is positively addictive. I’ve already added on my lower legs to the burn schedule and I’ll probably follow that with the bikini area. I walk around showing people my bare patches. Look! See? I mutilated myself! Isn’t it amazing! If I didn’t have my local dermatology office as a recourse, like if they (god forbid) banned all laser procedures tomorrow, I would probably lurk around lairs, trying to con supervillains into using their death rays on me. THAT’S how much I love it!
Now if I spend too much time in the shower it’s because I’ve spaced out under the lovely warm water, not because I’m shaving.
BTW, I’m pretty sure laser hair removal is a gateway cosmetic procedure. I’ve already picked up a pamphlet on micro-needling and asked if cold sculpting really works. You are warned.
P.S. For those of you who are curious, getting laser hair removal is like having a group of tiny elves hit you with teeny, tiny rubber bands. Not that bad, in my opinion. But then, I went through 36 hours of labor, and I also once had an accidental Brazilian, so I’m not fazed by most mild discomfort. (Except for when the doctor tells you “you’ll feel a little pinch” before giving you a uterine biopsy. That’s just a flat out lie.)