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June 2011
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August 2011

I blame the vampires

So I found a self-tanner that is actually, you know, tanning my legs. It is ridiculous how many times I've shelled out cash for tanners that did nothing.  Except this one covers my legs in glitter.  I think the dream is that we'll look like swimsuit models - our bronze skin glowing in the sunlight, vibrant with the health of a tan. But really, it just looks like glitter, like I went a little nuts with the Bonne Bell body shimmer, after re-reading Twilight and texting my bestie about how I sooooo wanted an Edward of my very own. Which would be fine if I was 16 and headed to the mall. Not 40, waiting at the carwash for my car to be done, observing how many people can see my legs from a million miles away. My skin glittering with the brilliance of icy glaciers, blah blah blah. But, you know, approaching a tan.

Don't think I'm bringing this stuff to BlogHer.               - wg

The old people are freaking me out again

You know what? It's just weird when old people say things like, "I loves me some..." or "my tweeps" or "whatevs".  I'm not talking aging boomers, either, I'm talking their parents.  Not that I would ever begrudge an older person the love and fun that is the Internet.  If you want to tweet, you go ahead and tweet your dentures out.  Rock your blog community, grandma and grandpa.  And feel free to keep coming up to me on the street for random conversations.  I don't mind, I like the older folks.  Even when I don't know you, which I usually don't, at least not before that 20-minute unsolicited conversation. 

But seriously, the geriatric "I haz cheezburger"?  It's weird.  I'm just saying.  

Sunny Bright Rainbow Happy Land Preschool

Preschool Director: "Well, that concludes the tour! Do you have any other questions about our lovely preschool?"

Mom:  "Yes, can you tell me a little about your educational philosophy?

"Director: "Certainly!  Here at Cheerful Name Preschool we believe all children have the potential for a bright future!  Our founder - bless her soul, she passed just a year ago - opened this school based on key tenets to build a bridge to success.  Therefore, we uniquely provide a nuturing and supportive environment for our children, carrying on her vision!"

Mom: "Oh, what are the key tenets?

Director:  "Excuse me?"

Mom: "You said your philoshophy was built on key tenets?"

Director:  "Er...yes, it's built on key tenets!" 

Mom: "O-Kay... well, what makes your school different?"

Director:  "Oh!  Well, here at Cheerful Name we strongly believe that a cheerful name provides a cornerstone of positivity that is crucial to a child's development.  For example, my name is Sunny and I've found I can get through many of life's rough patches by just taking a deep breath and saying my name..." (takes deep breath),  "Sunny!  A cheerful name just makes you feel good and we like to surround our children with that cheer.  What's your daughter's name?"

Mom, quite proudly: "This is little Morticia. Say 'hi' Morticia!"

Morticia, "Hi, lady!"

Director:  "OH! Oh, well... hmm, Morty... Tish... Ticia. Ticia is cute! We could work with that."

Mom: "Umm, what?"

Director:  "Well, Morticia is a little... not dark, but cloudy, don't you think?  And we do want to keep up that positive energy so they can reach all of their potential." 

Mom:  "My chief requirement is that you have a good kindergarten-readiness program.  I don't see how changing my daughter's name is going to help her learn."

Director:  "But it does! It does, you just have to give it a try! Our founder wouldn't have steered us wrong!"

Mom:  "Your founder specifically said this school was based on cheerful names as an educational platform?"

Director:  "Well, no, not specifically - you have to understand her passing was a little sudden - but that's where all the marketing literature was leaning... the importance of having a cheerful name."

Mom:  "OK, well thank you for your time!"

Director:  "Great meeting you! You can pick up an application at the front desk!"

Mom walks out past the front desk where the receptionist tries to hand her an application.

Mom: "No thank you." Sunny day

Receptionist: "For what it's worth the teachers here are quite good." 

Mom: "Really? And what's your name?"

Receptionist, sighing: "Diablo, but she makes me go by Dee-Dee."

We're on vacation. Which is slightly different from being out of our heads. That occurs much more frequently. Case in point, I brought a straight iron to Seattle. I don't know what I was thinking. Sure, parts of my hair may start off straight but rest assured by the end of the day they are simply poofy.

Ha! My iPhone doesn't like the word "poofy".

Strangest thing but my son thinks it's a vacation simply to play video games in a new place. Sometimes he just wants to sit in the hotel room and, I don't know, revel in the hotel-ness. He also had room service once in his life and now expects it everywhere we go. He doesn't seem to grasp the irony that he already has room service and its name is Mom. But don't worry, we'll make him get some culture and shit. His brain will grow and he won't even know it.

Bwa ha ha!

Swimwear Must Die '11!

OK, so I didn't quite get the flooding stream of comments about how much you all can't live without the swimsuit edition. But I did get people sending me links!  To swimsuits!  Really awesome ones.  And as one notable person pointed out, I was really leaving out the guys.  So for the first time ever the swimsuit edition is going co-ed!

Attack of the male models. Prepare to get bitch slapped!

2011 swimsuit bracelets

For that bikini that was missing something... now both sections are furry!  (Or... true accessorizing means the carpet matches the drapes matches the throw pillows.)

2011 swimsuit bracelets

For when Wonder Woman wants to change out her magic bracelets for something a little more "beachy."

2011 swimsuit bracelets

What's that in your banana?  I mean, your... um... hammock? Your satin hammock.  No! I'm not looking at your "i"!  I love you for your banana. Mind! I mean, mind. 

2011 swimsuit bracelets

That Spiderman is such a gentleman! And he never lays a finger on me.

2011 swimsuit spiderman visits

You know what's hot? Big ass veins snaking down towards snakeskin. I love men with themes.  ("Live your dreams, face your fears... of my gigantic snake!")

2011 swimsuit bracelets

"For my wedding I just wanted to find the perfect combo of chess plus floral because it so screams 80s' innocence. Not that I remember the 80s but that's what Frankie was singing about, right? Plus they say that multiple lines and patterns are always super flattering."

2011 swimsuit bracelets

Sometimes you just need a girl who's all-terrain.

2011 swimsuit bracelets

Smile! You've got boobs!  (Yes, this is actually a bikini.)

2011 swimsuit bracelets

And finally, we have... wait for it... monster themed bikinis!  For these two I really think we ought to have a caption contest because seriously, SERIOUSLY! Look at these things!

 2011 swimsuit monster2011 swimsuit monster 2




















Never say I don't leave you with something you can sink your teeth into.             - wg

Blinking is a dangerous thing

I am so late on the swimsuit post this year. It's like I blinked and it was July.  I guess I should get on that.  Joyfully, (or sadly, depending on your perspective) my site seems to have finally moved down the rankings for the search term "vagina swimsuit".  However, my swiped pics still totally pop up first for Google Images.  *sigh* Seriously, it was not my intention to have what little claim to fame I have be based on tanlines. Or lack thereof.  

Anywho, here are the last few years' swimsuit editions.  Swimwear must die the first year, 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010. Jeez louise! Are we really on the 6th year alreay?

So I should bother this year with the swimsuit roundup?  I mean, I'm totally happy to look at hideous suits (you know I love that) but I have been disappointed that there hasn't been much original done in the last year or two.  Do you all still want to see that or has it run its course? Thoughts? 

          - the weirdgirl, swimsuit fascist