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Jeopardy question: How to turn the science fair into a life lesson

30 Days of Truth - Day 5 (on resolutions)

I'm not one for resolutions. I think they're kind of a setup and for those of use who can't turn off the "what have you achieved" voice in our heads anyway they're also redundant. I'm more of a believer in the continuously revolving emotional ambush resolutions, thanks.  But since it's the beginning of the year and I've had some changes on my mind I thought I'd tie it in with the next 30 Days of Truth.

Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life

As I've mentioned before, for the last three years we've been trying to get pregnant. Keen is diabetic and just got diagnosed and healthy this last year so we figured the first couple of years were probably kind of a bust. And it wasn't all him because I was completely stressed out when Chance's SPD was first diagnosed and I'm sure that contributed. Every new year brings the thought, "It'll happen THIS year!", although every year that idea waned a little bit.  Then I had a miscarriage in August and we got pretty excited because it meant I could get pregnant. 

But this November I had another hormone test.  According to my latest hormone levels it will probably be very difficult to get pregnant.  I am 39 and perimenopausal. 

Then I started having pregnancy symptoms again. The month we weren't trying because I was emotional wrung out.  And then, just like in August, the symptoms stopped and I suspect I had another miscarriage, even though the tests came out negative.  It's just really hard to fake some of those pregnancy symptoms, especially the messy, painful ones like I tend to have, not to mention the 10 day period.

I am even more emotionally wrung out now, moving towards acceptance.  These last two almost-pregnancies reminded me how sick I get when I'm pregnant.  How much older I am now.  I could keep trying for a few more months. My end date has always been my 40th birthday.  But I'm not sure I want to keep trying... and keep having miscarriages because my eggs are too old to be viable.  Three years is a long time and almost pregnant sucks pretty bad. 

I think I'm ready to do other things.   

My general internalized goals have beent the same since I've been young.  I want to write.  I want to be published.  I want to live a creative life.  Even though you tell yourself not to, you quietly put a lot of things on hold when you're trying to get pregnant.  There are things you don't do.  There are things you hold back.  There is medicine you don't take.  There's a lot of little things I want to do that don't have anything to do with the big goals but will probably be emotionally healthier for me as a person.  I want to take cold medicine when I have a cold.  I want to take zumba and pretend I can sculpt my abs.  Book a flight without calculating how many months I "might" be.  Maybe learn how to play roller derby.  Work on other goals.  Stop denying myself "just in case".

I still feel like our family isn't done yet, but maybe one of the things I need to do is just be open.  Maybe our family will grow in other ways.

It's a new year and funny thing... pushing yourself and letting go feel an awful lot the same.

             - the weirdgirl

Comments

Mishelle

I had a bitch of a time getting pregnant both times but the one thing I never had was a miscarriage. I don't know if I would have found the strength to put myself back together again after one as it was hard enough being certain I was pregnant and seeing a negative test result. I admire your strength of character.

Just thought I'd tell you that.

Merry New Years.

M

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)

Ah, love, I want to believe there is a light that comes over us when we begin to release things long wished for and move toward something new. I want so very much to believe that because, even though my experience isn't the same, the want, the desire for another child, has been in my heart for so long, and I think this year I have to simply resign myself that just because I want it, not everyone in this house does. I don't know. I think I'm babbling, but I want that lightness, and I'd like to want it for you, too.

Scott

"...pushing yourself and letting go feel an awful lot the same."

That is provocative!

And I agree about resolutions--I notice that if I make any, I don't follow-up on them. Change can't be forced.

But for those who have made resolutions: If you haven't started following-up on your New Year's resolutions yet, it's okay, you have a grace period--the Lunar New Year (that observed in the Far East) doesn't begin until February 3!

Curtis Johnson Realty

Wow! Trying all over again mean you are a fighter who doesn't loose hope. I must say that this is somehow a test. Maybe this is not the time for your to bear a child. But who knows this year you can have the gift that you wanted. Just be patient and give unconditional love to each other. This is a like a marathon going to the finish line. Patience is a virtue.

Summer

I haven't visited in quite a while and I'm so glad I did today...I feel a sense of peace and realization that some power other than your own may be at work in this. Maybe theres a plan you can feel but not quite name?

the weirdgirl

Mishelle - Thanks, I appreciate that.

FADKOG - I do feel a little lighter. Still sad, but not so heavy. I hope you find that lightness, too.

Scott - It's funny how "provocative" sometimes happens when you're struggling for words, eh?

Curtis Johnson Realty - I think you missed the point of this post.

Summer - I do have a sense that things will work out, even if they are not in the way I expected. How are you? I hope you're blogging again??

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