I almost forgot about this year's family newsletter! Here I thought I was so slick getting ahead on gifts and wrapping. Anywho, here is last year's letter while I start making up a line of hooey.
That's a little sad, isn't it? My only two consistent yearly events are making fun of swimsuits and fabricating a life for my family. I use the Internet well.
Dear Friends and Loved Ones,
We hope this letter finds you well and that you are enjoying the many pleasures of the season. I am sad to report that the wg/Keen household has suffered some hardship this year. Chance’s beloved pet Brachiosaurus passed away, leaving Chance heartbroken and bereft of Jurassic companionship. Many of you may not have been aware that a dinosaur had become a member of our family, so briefly was dear Ned with us. (We only obtained him because of that unfortunate dinner party with Will Ferrell. Don’t ask!) However, a more warm and generous spirit in a cold-blooded sauropod could not be found and Ned quickly made his place in our hearts.
Unfortunately, it seems that dinosaurs in general are quite susceptible to modern viruses and Ned, still being a baby, (how else would we have fit him in the backyard, after all?) was doubly so. He was only with us for six short months before flu season hit.
Of course the authorities did not believe for one second that Ned was a Brachiosaurus and they carted away his body for study, muttering something about mutated hippos and/or puppy farms. Ghastly local public access camera crews were everywhere (which our disgruntled cats mugged for all their worth). We were horrified that the wg/Keen family might be so maligned!
But it all worked out for the best! It turns out that while dinosaurs are susceptible to the common cold, something about the sauropods’ large size also provides them with a natural cancer immunity! The extensive research done by the Stanford medical community (once the SPCA admitted defeat) uncovered a unique genome that can easily be incorporated into modern gene therapy techniques. And since our pending lawsuit was looming regarding the illegal seizing of our deceased pet, Stanford has agreed to include us on all the lucrative patents!
So while we dearly miss Chance’s sweet, ponderous playmate, the countless lives that will benefit the world over from his untimely sniffles more than makes up for his loss. It’s nothing short of a Christmas miracle! Plus, now we don’t have to scavenge for so much vegetation.
We hope you and yours are well and that you have many blessings in the New Year. Merry Christmas to you all!
the wg/Keen family