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Who knew cause and effect was genetic?

So essentially, I'm a smartass.  (Shocker, right?)  A smartass and a storyteller.  I have probably been these things since I learned to talk, spinning some facetious yarn about how binkies are actually the detached udders of cows.  I also have three brothers.   Therefore, as with many children in large families, I grew up feeding those brothers lines of crap and seeing how much they’d buy.   What?  It’s fun!  A healthy family activity.   

However, call it fate or karma or what have you, I am now saddled with a child who puts an awful lot of emphasis on personal empirical knowledge.  For example, the lovely Motherbumper one time told a story about her child playing with a ratchet gun (without a bit) and Motherbumper told said child that if she unscrewed her belly button her butt would fall off.

This is exactly the type of thing I would have reveled in telling my brothers!

But, for a long time, I couldn't (and maybe still can't) say anything like that to Chance... because he would try to unscrew his belly button.  Just to see if his butt would fall off.  See, he seems to have the unfortunate combination of intense curiosity and a certain lack of self-preservation.  When he was younger I often caught him trying to touch the thing that I just told him was hot.  If I explained the cause and effect of hitting the wrong end of his spoon, next thing I knew he'd be flinging food in the air.  He had to test everything.  By the time he was ready for warnings about electric outlets I knew to intentionally leave out any mention of forks.

I couldn’t figure out where this... I don't even know what to call it... scientific spirit? foolhardiness? ...came from.  Regardless of the fact that my brothers and I told each other great big whoppers we knew better than to try them out.  I mean, what if one of those stories were actually true?  When my older brother would stick his tongue on a battery and pretend to be electrocuted... did I ever test that?  HELL no!  Did my youngest brother really think that if he didn't wear his underwear his penis would fall off and he'd become a girl?  I don't know, but I do know he started wearing underwear again. 

Anyway, you can see my dilemma... with Chance's million questions (and trust me, he has a LOT of questions) sometimes a smartass story is just burning to get out.  But I can't!  Given his nature I just need to suppress my facetious instincts until (hopefully) he grows out of testing everything.  Which I hope is soon.  I still can't figure out where this came from; I mean, in my family, I admit, we're all a little detrimentally creative at times but we're still healthily self-protective about bodily harm.

So one day I'm discussing (complaining about) this aspect of Chance with my mom and she says, "Yeah, I was like that.  I'd scratch myself because I thought blood was interesting."

*blink blink blink*

Thanks Mom!     

                     - the weirdgirl



I definitely envy you! I have always been compulsively truthful--I've never gotten in trouble for lying, only for telling the truth! But I tell the truth, even if it's unwanted--I'm a truth-whore! I wish to God that I would lie, instead--I'd be much more popular! But lying is difficult for me, I'm practically incapable of it. You've seen the T-shirt slogan: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT! Well, for me it's the reverse--I can't bullshit, so I try to dazzle others (especially prospective girlfriends) with brilliance. But they do not like that! I've gotten slightly better about this over the years--I'm slowly learning to keep secrets, and to keep my opinions to myself. But I still have a long way to go!

Regarding Chance, I did something similar, at his age. I was told by Mr. Vogel (my best friend ever), that I could drill a hole to China. So I ruined my dad's hand-drill attempting to do this! And in my adult years, I have discovered that, if I could drill to the other side of the planet, I would actually come out in the Indian Ocean (from my location)!

PS I just realized I'm trying to dazzle you with brilliance--God help me!


I don't know how you hold back. Sarcasm comes as naturally as breathing to New Englanders, so I've been fortunate that my kids have figured out early on not to take much of anything I say without a grain (or two) (or twenty) of salt.


Sir Isaac Newton once poked a needle into his eye socket to see what would happen. He also stared directly at the sun for a long time for the same reason.

Chance clearly has the mind of a scientist. Get him a chemistry set. And a bomb shelter.

always home and uncool

We had kids just so I could be sarcastic to someone other than my wife.

the weirdgirl

Scott - Hey hey now! It's not "lying", it's "creative license". Completely different. I also have a problem occasionally with being too truthful and not keeping my mouth shut. I've been learning discretion over the years.

TwoBusy - Oh my son WILL take it with a grain salt... which is why he has to go test it. Argh!

Carol - OK, you're comment both made me laugh and shudder in abject horror!

Always Home and Uncool - Awesome! Also a good way to maintain healthy relations with your wife.

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