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Swimwear Must Die '09

Here it is the end of June and I hadn't done my yearly round up of swimwear yet!  This is the segment of the show where I laugh at swimsuits, sometimes just the pictures!  I was afraid this year would be some slim pickins what with the economy and all. I thought all I'd see was rehashed triangle pieces from last year.  But no, gotta give those designers credit... still pulling it out of their asses even now.

For more years of swimsuit mockery, check out Juicy Must Die, Swimwear Must Die I & II, and the 2008 edition.  Enjoy!            - wg

"The ruffle distracts from my problem areas."


This is a popular design at Victoria's Secret this year.  I call it the band-aid.  (P.S. Victoria's Secret models are too skinny. TOO SKINNY!  Someone feed that girl a hot dog.)  ((P.P.S. See that little wisp of fabric?  Budget crunch!))


I don't know what is so disturbing to me about this one.  By itself, I'd say it was cute.  Maybe it's the pierced belly button.  And the small dog.  AND the tattoo-printed scrunchy around that dog's neck.  (Is that a scrunchy?  Who would do that?)  Maybe it's the fact that Ed Hardy (and his knock-off competitors) do not need to branch out into areas they have no business being.  I swear I saw Ed Hardy snack cakes the other day. No one needs Ed Hardy snacks.


"I sprained my boob gardening and now I have to wear this sling!"

Swim4_boob sling

"OMG. So my best friend in math class drew this really cool picture just for me on my notebook with stars and hearts, because stars are like my special symbol, and it was in all my favorite colors and I loved it so much that I haven't even thrown away the notebook even though it's summer and then I found a swimsuit that looked just like it!!  It's like destiny."

Swim4_notebook art

It's overalls.  On a swimsuit.  Extra shiny, too, in case you want to use your headlights... as headlights.  Yeah.


Just plain ugly.  By the way, making her extra tan does not mean she'll pass as ethnic.

Swim4_just ugly



Oh God I love your swimwear posts.


WTH - Could you even swim in these - not that that is there real purpose or anything - but could you? I particularly like the boob sling - and here I was just using an ace bandage when I sprain my boob.


I think those last three designs were solely done as a dare.

But the girl and the dog with the matching outfits? No. You and your children or pets should never dress alike.

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)

Pinky McGreenThumb up there looks like she'd drown if she were to actually go into the water wearing those bracelets. Actually, she looks like she can't lift her arms while wearing those bracelets, so forget swimming! Maybe that's why she's holding her elbow. It helps support the weight of that big flower.


The boob sling is hilarious.


That last one looks like it's from The Ultimate Warrior Collection.

Kim C

And think of the really strange tan-lines when you take off any of the above suits. Ugh.


Vastly entertained by this. Vastly.

Am still giggling and probably will be for awhile. These should be hot, but pass as awkward because of the hideousness of the suits.

Thanks wg for the snark. Needed it today.


You're right about the Victoria's Secret model. She's emaciated.

mother shaffer

That poor dog, he looks mortified!

The Mother Tongue

The hot pink boob sling is the most awkward looking swimsuit I have ever seen.

Also: Ed Hardy snack cakes? I must see this. Ed Hardy is evil. I think he literally designed the Dark Mark. You doubt me, but you know it looks like something that would totally go on one of his shirts.


That girl does not look emancipated! She looks HEALTHY. Maybe you're jealous, I don't know, but stop judging people. Some girls. are naturally skinnier than others. We should embrace each other, no matter our body type.

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He said he'd never done so without this near-death. So in S.V., people are more inclined to face death in many forms and throw out the dead, the old, the stagnant without flinching.

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