Today: Ten years married, 18 years together
For three strange days I had no motivation

Shopping in the House of the Sick

We had a nice anniversary dinner Friday night, but Chance had a really bad fever (104 and climbing) when we got home - which the unnamed older relatives failed to notice. (They won’t be babysitting when he has the “sniffles” anymore.) Then I got sick Saturday morning and Keen is fighting it off now. This is an ugly one, folks.

Anywho, I’ve been making my way through the mountain of mail-order catalogs that we get every year. Might as well make a dent in the Christmas shopping since you can’t do much else! (Catalogs are like picture books for grownups.) So here are a few observations from my fever-addled mind…

Pottery Barn Kids – You know, at this point, I peruse your fine catalog just to see how many ways your concept of feminism has gone wrong. (Oh who am I kidding? Feminism doesn’t exist in Pottery Barn land.) My favorite: the bunk bed/kitchen playset combo… Oh, little girls! Here is your deepest fantasy made real… and by the way, the lesson learned here is you may go directly from the bedroom to the kitchen only, you will not pass Go, you will not collect $200. AND you will love pink. So it is decreed.

Gag. I mean, I know I may have a daughter some day who may go apeshit for the pink bunk bed/kitchen playset but that doesn’t need to be the ONLY option. I notice Pottery Barn Kids has a lot more creative themes for boys. WTF?

Viva Terra – Great concept, everything in here is “green” (or maybe this was just their green catalog, I don't know)… and I can’t afford a flipping thing! Or rather, there is no way in hell I’m paying their prices for “recovered” (free) and “reclaimed” (used) items. Especially, when they’re “helping” villagers in third world countries who make these items. So you pay the village, what? $5 bucks and I pay $279 for a step stool? I’m all for both eco-living and artistic recycling but give me a break. I think you’re defeating the purpose of going green when the markup is 500%.

OK, yeah, being sick makes me a little cranky.

What On Earth – There are always a few gems in this, the book of kitsch, and I look through it every year for those few hard-to-shop-for people. But seriously, about halfway through, the cutesy starts to kill me. The un-PC cutesy, mind you. I honestly think my head imploded, just a little, while I flipped through the pages. (BTW, for those of you planning on showering me with gifts, just because I’m a “cat-lover” does NOT mean I want a pencil sharpener where I ram the pencil up the cat’s ass. Thanks. (I mean, that doesn’t even make sense.))

Uncommon Goods – I love this catalog! Somehow it also has lots of artistic and recycled items, but it doesn’t come off as pretentious. (Can be a bit pricey, and full of things I don’t need… but I want them! Like the Caia Koopman Rehab Wallet Case, oh my god!) However, I know I’m a little off. Really, I do. Because as I’m looking at these items the split personality kicks in. Such as the 12 ways you’ve made a difference journal that features helpful prompts for writing like, “The best advice you ever gave me…” and the one half of me thinks, “Aw! It’s empowering AND sweet!” (I think that’s the side connected to my ovaries.) But the uncontrollable smartass side of me responds… “The best advice you ever gave me was… nothing! That’s what! All your advice was bunk, you hack! Stinky wind without two nickles to rub together. I got myself where I’m at and I’ll get myself where I’m going! You’re just kissing my ass for when I take over, anyway. But don’t worry, I’ll remember. I remember everything. Bwa ha ha!”

And I’m pretty sure that’s where evil geniuses begin.

       - the weirdgirl

Comments

Ann's Rants

You could always give a cow or a goat to a village in your daughter's name. She'll love that! Funny, I just wrote about Married 10 years last week.

VegasDad

I'm all about helping village people, but some of these companies charge way too much. Hope you feel better soon. Sickness seems to be around everywhere, already.

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)

Those wallet cases? Awesome! I think just carrying that around would make me feel far cooler than I could ever be without it.

Jeanne

I think we know a little girl that started life in a pink room. What's her favorite color now? Orange, right? And my little sister that grew up in the pink room will not look at anything pink now. So if you're not into pink, you really should help the little girls get it out of their systems early.

Scott

I've never heard of Viva Terra, till now--but I totally agree with you (cranky or not)! It infuriates me how so many companies use human suffering as a pitch for their products!

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