The Learning Goes On
Life is Weird

Month Number Six

So this is month six of the great child number two attempt and my period just started again. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t blog about the process because it’s… well, so far it hasn’t been going well. But for my own sanity I need to talk it through. (Plus, I sort of secretly hope someone out there will say, “I had that exact same thing! It was such and such.”) The thing is that for four out of these past six months I’ve had early pregnancy symptoms. Sore boobs, fatigue, what feels like a hormone surge seen in the onset of skin and hair changes, increased mucus (sorry guys), gas. I don’t know why gas has to always make its appearance but, trust me, normally I’m a very ungassy girl. In general, it’s just different goings on than what usually happens in my cycle. So the hope goes up a bit, I start being careful about what I eat, carrying stuff and so on. Then, suddenly, the boobs stop hurting, I get cramping, severe gas (what the fuck?)… and then my period starts. And by suddenly I mean this usually all occurs within a day. Normally I can tell when my period is about to start, a day or two ahead of time; there are certain signs, ones not involving any cramping. This is different. Four times this has happened. 

I’d think (and have thought, occasionally) that I was just being psychosomatically preggo.  But last month was one of two months where I didn’t feel any symptoms… and what a frickin’ difference! No weird hormone surges. No mucus showing up, no fatigue, no gas. My hair and skin were predictable. My boobs hurt – because they do every month – but it was at the normal time and it wasn’t ongoing and increasingly. I felt “normal”. Enough so that I even thought to myself, “OK, I’m not imagining things.” 

As I’m sure you can guess, this has been rough emotionally. I think I’m a pretty tough, down to earth chick – I try to be honest to myself about what I’m feeling and weigh it against, you know, reality (i.e. there is nothing I can personally do about whether a fetus sticks or not) – I try to stay positive and avoid mindfucking myself… but weathering the hormone surges is hard. I tend to crawl into my head and stay there awhile. 

Anyway, Monday I’m going to call my OB-GYN for testing and scraping my hoo-hoo and whatever else we need to do in the oh-so-fun world of women’s health. I probably should have called after the third time this happened but I wasn’t sure it would be taken seriously since I’ve never gotten to the point of a positive pregnancy test. I’m still not sure it will be taken seriously, but I’m almost 37. I can’t dick around with “trying” for another year before looking at testing. My thyroid thing is a factor… except I’ve been steady for months and it’s even been getting better.

I just… I just hate the idea that I might be able to get pregnant but not stay pregnant. It’s like I’m at the mercy of defective forces.

Man, this blog just feels like all I’m doing lately is venting or worrying and I’m so tired of it!  I'll stop now before the hormonal ranting gets worse.                 - wg

Comments

jason

What a coincidence. We're going through the same exact thing. We've been trying four about five months now. And each month my wife experiences the same early pregnacy symptoms, but no pregnancy. It's strange. We do know it'll take some time as it took more than a year of trying to conceive our son. We're hoping it won't take quite as long this time around.

Mitch McDad

Could have lived without the mucus thing. I think I liked life better before I knew about that.

Good luck getting knocked up. Try margaritas. Worked like a charm for us.

Tracy

Also going through exactly the same thing...today, actually. Woke up this morning and just had to take a pregnancy test because damnit, I just felt SO pregnant! (You know, basically awful) Went back to bed after that and sulked for a few hours. Husband asked if I was OK...I told him, it's not bad enough that GETTING pregnant is just SO DAMN HARD without feeling like pregnant crap when I'm not. The universe can be so cruel.

Hannah

That sucks. I'm afraid I've got nothing. Except sympathy and a hug.

christina

sigh. me, too. 2 days early, even.
My eggs are stale at 36.
At least I made Iggy, he may have to be enough!

christina

oh yeah, here's the helpful (hurtful) advice I got from my mom (bless her):
"You know, every extra 10 lbs. you carry reduces your chance of conception by 15%."*
Thanks mom, now I know I have less than zero chance.
*this statistic not substanciated

america

Acupuncture, seriously acupuncture and faith worked for us after three years of trying and then just three months of acupuncture and now we have a second without even trying.

the weirdgirl

Jason, I just made an OB appointment. If I learn anything useful I'll post about it (because I can't keep my mouth shut).

Mitch McDad - sorry to freak you out. With with us chicks sometimes we just can't contain sharing the bodily info, sort of like, "Hey listen to what's coming out of my twat NOW!" Especially when it centers around babies. (I think it's akin to guys bragging about their Abraham Lincoln-looking poops.)

Tracy - I feel you! I've taken the pregnancy test and then 15 minutes later my period starts! Totally sucks. And you've wasted a pregnancy test.

Hannah - thanks! hugs back at you!

Christina - Ah, the mounds of unhelpful (hurtful) advice. I hear you.

America - it's funny you mention that because a friend of mine is doing some Chinese herbal stuff (and maybe acupuncture, I'm not sure) and she is now pregnant. I think she's been waiting for me to ask for her doctor. I'm afraid of needles, though. We'll see.

Betsy

Sorry to hear all of this, WG. That really sucks. Have you read the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility yet? It's a really good way to learn more about your body and how it works. Hang in there, sister, and tell us how it all goes.

the weirdgirl

Hi Betsy, thanks for the recommendation! I really should re-familiarize myself with all that. I used to know it, but I've forgotten a lot. The last time I was really immersed in learning the system was my college sexuality class. I do know certain hormones shoot off at certain times and... um... do things.

Obviously, I need a refresher.

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