January Spawned a Monster
All a Matter of Semantics

When In Doubt Make Up A List

I seem to have lost my funny again. I.e. I’ve been reading plenty of funny stuff, and I’d love to contribute to the world of humor but I can’t get any to come out of me.  I am in fear of this blog becoming dreary.  Seriously, it’s keeping me up at night.  So... time to make fun of tidbits of pop culture in a random and meaningless list. 

Things I hate:

1. The Doodlebops – This should go without saying, but on deeper reflection I also think they’re an insidious gateway show to buying Hannah Montana and other Disney pop ilk.  Even accidentally watching the Doodlebops makes me feel dirty and used.  (That Disney… such the evil pusher!)

2. Handling so much poop (damn potty training!) that I might start to buy into the idea that feces facials are beneficial – I am never going to pay a couple hundred dollars for someone to fling bird shit at my face!  NEVER!  (However, the skin on my hands does seem to be smoother.  *whimper*)

3. On a related note, bull semen conditioner – Not to be disgusting or anything, but if semen really worked my pubes should be smooth as silk.

4. The people in coffee shops – OK, let me clarify this… the baristas are always really nice and down to earth. The people in line?  Oh my god, some of them have serious entitlement issues!  If you’re ever feeling your life is lacking in a little attitude, just step into a Starbucks.  People… regardless of what you’ve seen on TV, it’s just a drink not a fucking life statement.  (“Don’t you know?!  This latte is validating my whole existence! How DARE you skimp on the foam!!  Stella!  STEL-LA!”)Hometown_hottie

5. The fact that Maxim NEVER has any redheads in their winning Hometown Hotties lineup – I am personally offended by this and think there might be some hairism in play.  Not to mention that the Hometown Hotties always… look… the same!  Blondes or brunettes, similar facial features.  Primarily white, with maybe a Latina thrown in for flavor.  That’s your idea of diversity, Maxim?  How about a fierce Asian or African-American gal?  How about a hot punk chick?  Keen and I have been loyal readers for years, but we’ve recently decided to end our subscription.  Too much same old, same old.  And no redheads.  This is just wrong.  (So guys, any suggestions? Keen needs a new men’s lifestyle magazine.)

6. Wearing clean socks and stepping into spilled milk, juice, or other child drippings – Pet peeve!  It just makes me contemplate the money we spend to be educated when in truth we will all be felled low by child drippings. 

So what things are you hating lately?             - wg



Um... Bull semen conditioner and feces facials? I think you need to find a new stylist.

Robot Dancers

Bargaining with five year olds is always high on my list of things that I hate.

"How about I eat just four stringbeans/carrots/pieces of broccoli?"

Luckily they are my sister's kids and I can make a great escape whenever the negotiation sessions begin.


I don't know which is worse - the Doodlebops and their completely retarded make-up, songs, and costimes, or Maxim with it's zillions of pages of advertising and barely any "meat" anymore.


(1) As you probably would expect me to say, the blonde is emaciated--as all the "Maxim" girls are!

(2) What do you call an upside-down, naked blonde? A brunette!

(3) If Keen wants a Men's mag for reading, well I can't advise him on that. But if he wants one for looking, I recommend "Leg Show". It's the only girlie mag I buy anymore (I subscribe to it). Because it's the only girlie mag (in America, at least), in which the models are healthy! Not fat, not skinny--healthy! Further, if Keen has a lingerie fetish like I do (no, I don't wear it, but a woman looks better to me wearing lingerie than nothing at all), than "Leg Show" would be perfect! The women wear full, professional attire, then strip with each page down to lingerie. On the last two pages, they're often naked, but I pay no attention to that. I guess it's that old cliche with me--I like a woman to wear something because it leaves something to the imagination!

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