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The Internet Makes You Crazy – Case in Point

I’m still a little buried with work crap but it’s starting to slow down.  Here’s the next in the series of “inspirational” posts. Because I like things a little kooky... a story for you, inspired by KC.    

          - wg

 

My name’s Little, Rickon Little. I’m a detective.

I’ve been in the business a long time and this was a first… a case so foul it turned my stomach and put me off fried chicken forever.

I walked into the hotel room and surveyed the chaos. It was ugly. Uglier than a passle of hookers snorting coke in the harsh glare of day. You know the scene… they haven’t gone home yet to change and their bruises were showing. No one wants to see that.

Three men and two women were sprawled dead in various parts of the room. One was even bare-assed as he reached towards one of several laptops, the hand of another victim a foot behind him and clutching a pair of pants.  Buckets of KFC and bottles of Two Buck Chuck were scattered amidst the furniture like a drumstick-eating Tasmanian devil had gone berserk. I can tell you one thing… blood and eleven secret spices don’t mix.

Several police officers were busy getting sick in the bathroom.  I tapped the one remaining patrol man on the shoulder. He turned a white face towards me but otherwise appeared steady.

“You got IDs yet?”

“Almost sir, we know that all of the victims were in town for an academic convention and we’re cross referencing the attendee list now. One of the other guests knew the guy in this room but he couldn’t ID the other professors. Apparently, they all came up a few hours ago to do research. The chief is thinking this is a ritual killing, probably surprised them in the room and…” The officer’s voice cracked, “Whoever did this is one sick fuck! My god, we’ve got to catch this guy and put him away! Look at this place…!”

His tone started getting hysterical so I gave him a good slap. Plus, I just find slapping someone around helps me get the gears going when I’m working a case. Not that it was absolutely necessary now, but that hit felt sweeter than mangoes.

The police officer had just told me all I needed to know.

“There won’t be anybody to throw the book at, Officer. Or rather, the encyclopedia.”

“W-what?”

“I can tell you exactly what happened. There was no outside murderer. These scholars killed each other! See the grease-smeared skin, the wings completely devoid of meat to expose the musculature, the blue lips? I’d guess that at least two of these victims were forcibly choked to death by chicken bones.  The rest probably died from blood-loss. You know the breast-plate makes a good slashing weapon in a pinch.  Most likely an academic discussion of the chicken’s evolution got out of hand.”

“I don’t see…”

“Oh, don’t you? Well, let me paint you a picture. All the computers have browsers open to Wikipedia. And not just to random search pages… these people were entering in articles!  It’s well-known that academics are notoriously competitive. Usually it’s not an issue, secluded as they are in tiny college offices mustier than 3-day old NBA jockstraps.  But here at the convention, these scholars were finally face to face.  Oh, it probably started out friendly… birds of a feather sharing ideas, someone innocently suggests research over dinner… but it doesn’t take much for old jealousies to surface, disparate theories to create tension, arguments to erupt!  Add a little alcohol and the Internet and you’ve got a recipe for deep-fried disaster. Obviously, these people were disputing the merits of one of the Wikipedia articles. My guess is one of the scholars went to edit the encyclopedia and all hell broke loose.”

“Are you fucking nuts? Sir?”

“Collaboration has a dark side.  Darker and smellier than the hole eggs come out of.  These professors learned that tonight.”  I turned towards the door, feeling the satisfaction of a job well-done.  “Tell the chief, ‘your welcome’ and my report will be on his desk by morning… 

I’m going for burgers.”

Comments

The Phoenix

That is some funny stuff!!!

Slapping others also get's my motor runnin'

Andrea

Awesome! I love it! Especially the contrast between a gumshoe type detective talking about Wikipedia updating. Sweet! Though I'm changing my lunch plans, now. No chicken for me!

KC

Fabulous! I knew you'd come up with something very creative and boy, did you pull it off! Gumshoe detective noir. You've got the lingo down, girl!

Scott

Your writing is ingenious! If there's a writer's group near you, you should join it! If not, you should at least submit some of it for publication in a literary journal!

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