Previous month:
August 2007
Next month:
October 2007

Me? I'm a Suck It Up Girl

Oh my GOD, I'm having such a bad morning it has reached the ridiculous level.  Seriously, I am at a point where all I can do is laugh.  Let's review:

First, Chance managed to find a leftover glass of red wine and spilled it everywhere while I was upstairs.  (I had the Bunko/playgroup ladies over last night.  Not that we played Bunko; we just sat around until 12:30 talking and eating.  But still, I hosted Bunko so I think it's official... I'm now a "mom".)  The mess was totally my fault; it was the ONE item I had missed when I cleaned up. 

Second, I rear-ended someone on the way to Chance's preschool and work.  Looked away for a second, stop and go traffic, yadda yadda yadda.  It was minor, but again... my fault.  I was/am rattled because I have only been in one fender bender and it was YEARS ago!  But still, you know, shake it off, take care of things one a time and move on.  No excessive whimpering (except for here).  No letting it ruin the rest of your day.  That's how I roll.

Third, successfully drop Chance at daycare (yay!), pull into work and realize that I've forgotten the power cord to my laptop.  My stupid battery lasts an HOUR!  I may have to pick all my work up and go home.  Which, I'm fine with, but doesn't look so good to management.

Fourth, sign-in to work only to discover that my contractor badge has expired.  Red tape full speed ahead.  BUT the ultra-cool receptionist/security gal has an extra power cord for a Dell. Score!

Fifth, can't find anyone that I work with.  They've all disappeared (like alien abductions).  I know that yet another person is gone due of a family emergency, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to be working on because of that (since I was working with her. Oh, and I found out she was gone from our vendor, not from any actual bosses/co-workers.  How fucked up is that?).  Decide to blog.  (Another great thing to do in front of management. Whatev.)

Finally, at my desk, got the computer up, calling Keen and the insurance agency when... I get a call from the preschool... Chance just got bit by another child.  And my reaction on the phone, "Oh good, as long as HE doesn't bite anyone!" 

And that's about when I started laughing.  (The preschool people probably think I'm crazy.)

Yeah, I'm the universe's happy bitch.          - wg

The Algorithm Hits a Little Close to Home

I am still getting over this cold (and Sudafed doesn’t seem to act well as a creative-enhancement drug) so I’m going with a tried and true fallback – the weird searches post. 

You know a blog is a strange thing; you think you’re only doling out small portions of the complexity of your rich and vibrant soul… and then you find your efforts can be summed up with a few choice search phrases. Hmmm. Anyone else feel trivialized? 

Anyhoo, I found these amusing. And hey, feel free to throw out your own great lines/commentary/whatever to tack on to these searches. Let’s make this bitch really interactive! (Plus, it sure beats waiting for the next time I need to blow my nose).

Peace out!  - wg 

picture of farting kitten – You know on those questionnaires or job applications where they ask you to describe yourself, I always, always bring up farting kittens.

fury cat butt fridge magnet – I hate furious ass. Especially once it goes all commercial.

Adult swim Futureama commercial Why have a marathon, the answer to make money – Winner of the longest google search ever! (OK, I admit it, I just liked this one because it had something to do with Futurama. Nerd.)

halloween costume ugly betty eyeglasses – Ooh, I so want to score some of those! No, really.

where do\s advert tasty tasty very very tasty come from – Er…what? (If someone actually knows what this refers to I’ll send you a prize… of …some sort.)

how to chag my adult diaperDude, I am sooo sorry!

spiderman potty's… – In the woods? In a bar? What? 

breastfeeding movies for kids on any age and dont have to download – THE hip educational video for those lactating kids! (Though I’m thinking bandwidth issues might be the least of their problems.) 

The Forecast - Rain

It doesn’t look like rain to me.


Keen has this theory that California gets all the bottom of the barrel weather people. Because, you know, the ones who are at the top of their class at weather school (or whatever) go to the Midwest to study tornadoes, Florida to study hurricanes, ice storms…um, somewhere up north… you know they go where the really juicy weather is. Our weather here is not so interesting. Keen figures us Californians get the slackers… the kids who preferred partying over going to class, maybe a pothead weather guy or two. I can just picture that kid… “Yeah man,” takes a drag off his joint, “I’m totally gonna go study meteorology, man. It’s like the perfect job, dude! You just step outside and take a look around.”

Well, weathermen aside we had our own little flash flood here anyway.

Me and the kiddo are sick with headcolds.  Colds suck. Wednesday morning we felt fine and by that night… well, we weren’t pretty. It especially sucks because we both also just had a touch of the flu last weekend. (I didn’t mention it earlier because it occurred at roughly the same time as my little drunken soiree. And no, it was not the drinking “flu”. I could explain the difference in detail but Keen asked me not to write any more stories about poop.) Is it any coincidence that roughly a week after everyone goes back to school a bout of viruses sweep the Bay Area? I think not.

Thursdays are normally my one day of the week in the office while Chance is at preschool. “Aw, too bad,” everyone says while rolling their eyes, “You have to stay home. I’m hurting for you.” Well, for your edification (and entertainment) here is a slice of a “relaxing” sick day at home.

7:00ish Wake up, coughing on phlegm

7:00 – 8:00 Get kiddo changed, fed, changed again, and settled watching morning shows. Get myself fed, let out cats, sort of kind of half-heartedly straighten up house amid sniffles and coughing. Wipe mine and Chances noses numerous times within this hour.

8:00 – 9:00 Give up being productive, read paper. Notice that Chance has way more energy than I do, given that he is also sick. However, he seems content to hang out and watch his shows.

9:05 Since Chance is so happily involved in his show, I decide to go up and take a quick shower.

9:15 I’m through the primary washing and am moving on to the secondary washing (i.e. exfoliate face, wash hair, etc.). Chance comes into the bathroom and starts chatting me up through the shower door.

9:16 “Hey kiddo, don’t you want to go back downstairs and watch your show?” hint hint hint

9:17 Banging occurs. I stick my head out to see Chance soaking wet all down the front of his clothes. “Chance! Were you playing with the faucet?! Hey, there’s no playing with the faucet! Are you cold? Well, you’re just going to have to wait until I’m done…” Mean mommy!

9:18  Perceive (through lovely opaque bathroom glass) vague shuffling and movement near toilet. “Chance! No playing with the toilet either!” Stick out head…

…time slows… see: empty toilet paper roll, rapidly overflowing toilet, wads of paper swirling in bowl, Chance looking on with intense interest as he becomes, if possible, even more wet…

“Chance NO!” I jump out of shower, plunge hands into toilet and pull out wads of paper. Water stops rising. Crisis averted, or at least shortened. I shut off shower, sort of towel myself off, strip Chance’s sopping clothes off and march him downstairs.

9:19 See drips of water in the living room… splashes in the dining room… large pool in hall gushing from the bathroom and the overflowing sink whose faucet is still on! At this point, for almost the first time ever, Chance’s face assumes a look of guilt and trepidation. Yelling begins.

9:20 Chance is changed into clean clothes and banished to sit in one spot - quietly and do not move! - while I clean up… oh, everything!

10:00 Everything is finally cleaned up. I am dressed. I collapse on the couch near Chance’s quiet sitting spot and grab a tissue for my endlessly dripping nose. Chance runs over, throws his arms wide open, “Big hugs, Mommy!” and wipes his nose across the front of my shirt.   

Because when it rains it pours. (But I’m not bitter.)

I never did get to wash my hair.  – the weirdgirl

Rent My Husband

My old buddy Fuzz has once again led me to the wonders of the Internet… the latest of his great finds, Marry Our Daughter.  This site made me think about the other helpful, revenue-generating services that our society just hasn’t explored yet, sites that could be a benefit to everyone involved if only we have the vision and the balls to try them.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have those balls. 

I’d like to propose a similar service… Rent My Husband

For those single gals, single moms, or anyone who’d like the benefits of occasionally having a man in the house without the permanence! And for those married ladies and families who’d like to generate a little extra income by capitalizing on their husband’s unique skillsets.

Rent-a-husbands would be great for an endless variety of tasks, including opening jars, fixing things, yardwork, scaring away that stalker ex, and other “husbandly duties”. (nudge nudge wink wink)

Just like on Marry Our Daughter, families/wives who want to take advantage of the service could write up a pithy description of their husband’s skills and attributes, set a rental price and voila! start earning some dough.

I can already see the glowing testimonials

“I love the service! Jim, my regular rent-a-husband, is great at scratching those household itches and when he starts rambling on about sports or his political beliefs I can just send him home!” 

- Carrie, single mom and renter

“As the mother to five kids I felt exhausted all the time and like I couldn’t quite keep up.  Now that I’m renting out my hubby, during downtime he’s fine when I just want to take a nap.  And the extra income isn’t bad either!”

- SueAnn

“We’re both much happier now that we’re using the service. It gives me a little more time alone in the house, let’s Bob “try new things”, and it’s helping fund our son’s daycare!”  

  - Martha and Bob

“I’ve been really pleased by the performance of my rent-a-husband and I’m looking forward to trying some of the other husbands as well.”

- Samantha, renter

Now excuse me, I’m off to write Keen’s ad… I’m betting with his cooking skills I can get quite a good price off of him!       - the weirdgirl   

The TV Told Me To Do It

I’m having a bit of a dilemma with TV lately. I’ve never been one of the parents who banned TV for my child. In fact, by the time I had even heard of the “no TV under two” recommendation it was already too late. (whoops!) But I do limit my son’s TV and, more importantly in my opinion, what he watches. For example, we don’t watch prime time television around him. I love the shows I watch but most of them are just not appropriate. They’re all too fast, too loud, too adult in content. Half the movies out there have camera cuts so fast I think they could trigger an epileptic seizure. And I really don’t like him watching commercials.

Which is where I’m running into problems. Chance really loves the new show Yo Gabba Gabba. But it is currently running on one of the stations that have commercials. 

Now, anyone who reads me should know that I don’t have a problem with commercials in general. I work in marketing, for god’s sake.  I don’t have issues with supply and demand, earning money, spending money, or any of the other trappings that go along with the capitalist lifestyle. I’m a capitalist, plain and simple. There I said it… I’M A CAPITALIST! Buying into “mass consumerism” while being a parent seems to be a no-no nowadays. And my response to that is… whatever.  (I mean, except for all the lead paint recall crap… that seems a compelling reason to give your child bits of twine to play with, maybe some rocks or an old spool.) I’m not going to knock anyone who opts out of the consumerism cycle, but I’m not really overly concerned with being a part of it either.

However given that, I do think that it’s unhealthy to want things all the time. I.e. I think there are habits you can fall into, and let your kids fall into, where you want to buy stuff all the time… just because it’s there.  And yes, I think commercials do play into that (which it’s their job to do). I don’t think commercials are the cause of always wanting to buys things; rather I think it’s certain judgment choices (or lack thereof) and habits of spending that make people buy.

Case in point, we didn’t have a whole lot of money when I was a kid. We were still middle-class but it was a tight-fitting middle-class. I believe the term is “house rich, cash poor”.  Both because of this and the fact that my parents are naturally a little frugal we didn’t have lavish Christmases or birthdays. Just a few small gifts a year. We shopped sales or thrift stores. I got very little spending cash from my parents, or I earned my own. So I learned to be discerning with the cash I did have, and to appreciate when I had money to spend. It was never taken for granted. And I think I formed and took some good purchasing habits into adulthood.

(Granted I did (do?) have other issues with money, coming from a tight financial background, such as the hoarding instinct and certain purchasing “blocks”. Or, the flip side, when you finally get your own disposable income and you blow it on a great wardrobe and multiple pairs of eyeglass frames (you know, to coordinate with the wardrobe) and the impulse buying sprees when I was depressed… but that’s a whole other post. And anyways all those quirks faded as I got older, especially after having a kid.)

Anyway, now I find I’m more hyper-sensitive about the commercials’ effects on my kid than I would ever have been concerned about commercials in general before.

Because Chance zeroes in on those commercials like nobody’s business. “Aquadots!” he chirped to me the other day, pointing excitedly to the TV. Puppy Grows and Knows My Name! (This one especially makes me roll my eyes, not least of which because I would have been all gaga for this toy as a girl.) I’ve tried to keep most of his viewing to the stations that don’t have commercials but it's hard when a show he loves, and seems to get a lot from, is initially only played on the rife-with-advertising stations. I just don’t want to get him in the habit of seeing/asking/expecting extra toys he doesn’t need, you know? I want him to develop good spending habits and I know that starts with me (and honestly, I have more money than my parents did at my age, so the struggle is also one of my own self-control). And it’s not just what I can teach him but also what I expose him to.  I could (and do) try Tivo’ing his shows so I can edit out the commercials, but after a while you’ve got a dvr full of children’s programming and it get's really hard to manage. I can’t always be there to fast forward through commercials. Especially when you just want to put something on quick, that you know will hold their attention, to jump in the shower for a minute. I try to use Sesame Street as a standby for these situations, but I swear it’s like they only play the same five shows over and over. Even a two-year-old gets bored.

This might end up being a two-parter because it is a complicated issue and it has as much to do with personal money issues than just how you feel about commercials, but I wanted to ask… how do many of you deal with the commercials or no commercials issue if you let your kids watch TV? Have any of you run into problems with it?

- the weirdgirl

P.S. Please disregard my previous drunken post.  I can’t believe how difficult it was to type.  Sadly, I actually had tried to correct the typos. Or I thought I was correcting the typos.  I hate typos.

All my extremities are numb

TOday we went to the Great Stomp Off. Which is like a harvest kicki off festival thing at a winery.  Thye have wine stomping contests and everything.  Keen won a bunch of olive oil at the salame tos s.  I totally suck at the salame toss. It's really kind o fsad. I couldn't even get it ion the closest bucket.  I'm sure that's metaphoriclly or somehitng.  This is probably not a food idea to blog drink. 

I have not drunk in so long.

What the ffuck man? I can't even type. (it took a long time to type extermities)

I probably wold have gotten drunk at Blogher but the wine wasn't as ggod as it was tofay.

{Please make a note .

I think me and Kittenpie are havin  a pencil skirt showdown but I think I need to vheck on that.

Indications that your household is watching too much Adult Swim

“Bom bom BOM! Ba ba Bom BOM! Bom bom bom... ba bom.”

My son humming the opening notes to “Smoke on the Water”. As he builds with his blocks, as he plays his cars, as he takes his bath. I don’t even remember which commercial or house ad it plays in I just know that I always see that commercial during Adult Swim. Now before you all shout, “You’re letting him stay up how late?” and, “What? You’re letting him watch Adult Swim?! I don’t even watch that crap!” and decry my horrible parenting skills… just so you know we have 1) an east coast feed into our little west coast house so Adult Swim starts way early, and 2) we really only let him watch Futurama

The little guy loves Futurama. 

It’s kind of become part of his bedtime routine… last glass of milk, some bedtime stories, and a little Futurama. If they switch the schedule around so it’s on too late we just tivo him a show or two. He loves the theme song, he knows all the characters… Fry, Leela, Bender. Bender is a particular favorite.  Robots are always cool with toddlers. And Bender is extra cool, what with his devil may care attitude, his lack of social niceties, his flippant “bite my shiny metal ass”…  

…wait, the biting!

Oh, crap. 

(Damn these parental epiphanies. Though on an up note, it’s been a week and counting with NO biting! Yay!)

Chance is also a big fan of “Maggie May”. Should I start worrying?

 - the weirdgirl

Pimpin’ the Sellout like Nobody’s Whore

It is the END of summer. Except it’s really not, as is evidenced by the on and off heat waves we’ve been getting here. School has just started and it’s finally hot; (alternating with the odd chilly morning. It’s very strange). I have officially entered the brain-melt stage of the season. Really, ask me a question… 10 to 1 you get an extended, “Uuuhhhh,” for your answer.

But I know summer is almost at an end - although, I haven’t been to the boardwalk yet, and I don’t think you can technically claim a season as “summer”, much less at an end, without going to the boardwalk (or your local eqsuivalent) at least once (but that’s just my opinion) – and I’m feeling the pressure to get my ducks in a row for the next season. Particularly in the career arena, or lack thereof. In the last month and a half, somewhere around 10 people have left my department. (I lost track after eight.) That’s an awful lot of people. It’s hard for me to imagine anyone viewing this as a propitious omen. Since I’m part-time and only minimally in the office, (as well as having a complete lack of interest) I don’t really keep track of the internal politics. I do my job and leave. However from what I gathered, for all intents and purposes, I will still have work coming in. Maybe even more (duh), but I think it’s wise to expand my potential revenue streams.  Just in case.

Then I ran into issues… see, I know my job really well (i.e. it’s easy now), I really like the flexibility I got going on, and the money is decent, ergo I’m comfortable. I have no issues with working hard, (in fact I used to be one of those overly dedicated to my job sorts) but I really don’t want to give up my current flexibility. I just find I’m not so much into the 9 to 5 anymore, especially considering that with kids it’s more like 7 to midnight. So I’m thinking… how about a couple smaller revenue streams rather than just one main dubious stream? That way, maybe, I’ll get splattered more than once. (wait… ew!)

Along those lines, and among some other projects as well, I’ve opened up a cafepress store. I know, I know, this is so two years ago!  However, in my defense, I’ve seriously wanted to get one of these shirts done since Chance was in the womb, which would have put me ahead of the cafepress curve… if I’d actually gotten them done then. *cough* slacker *cough cough*

So want to see the shirt I meant to make back then? Here you go.



And one more.



I plan to see how it goes and add a few more designs.  Or rather, slogans. (I can’t draw worth beans.)  If they sell. You know how that goes.   

So anyway, check them out! Send insults comments!  Deride my capitalistic tendencies!  Then tell all your friends and buy as gifts.  Please?

         - wg

The Consequences

I’m feeling a little better about the whole biting incident. I mean, not better that it happened at all, but better in general. It helped tremendously to pick my son up from preschool on Thursday and find that he HAD NOT launched into a full-on biting assault, that THERE WAS NO fiendish scene of bleeding teachers and children in various states of zombification (my worst nightmare), and I WAS NOT escorted to the principal’s office to have the chat.

Because I was worried. 

And THANK YOU, thank you all for your suggestions!

He did start throwing a tantrum on Friday and chomped my arm (not hard, but that is beside the point) and I immediately took one of his toys and told him he could not have it anymore. I put it up on a shelf where he could see it but it was out of reach and said, “If you bite, you will lose a toy.” Of course, there was the crying and the whimpers but it did seem to sink in. Later that day he bit me one more time and lost another toy. Since then I’ve seen him several times go into tantrum mode, start to do his “bite-y lunge” and… stop. That losing the toy thing has an impact.

See, I know managing a kid’s behavior is all about finding the right motivations but fuck if it isn’t frustrating as all hell until you figure out what works! (Especially when they are choosing behavior specifically designed to push your buttons. My mom pointed out that it’s like when your cat is mad at you and poops in the middle of the floor. And yeah, pets, two-year-olds, we’re talking about the same developmental level here.)

In a similar vein, Creative Guy sent me this note along with the following picture:

“Once they start biting it's hard to stop.
Biting can become a life choice.
I know it has for me.
Don't let this happen to Chance.”


See who my friends are? This is why I blog!

 - the weirdgirl

Today I hosted our small playgroup at my house and my son bit another child. I feel so mortified. He has never bit another child before. Me and his dad? Yes. Especially when he wasn’t quite talking yet, but then that behavior went away when he got more words. And then with the onslaught of the terrible twos he started again during tantrums, but that also waned and seemed to be under control. He’s always been more rough and tumble than the other kids, which we’ve been working on, but it’s been more from not knowing his own strength than being aggressive in a mean or bullying way. He also seems to have a high pain threshold so it’s been hard to teach empathy to a kid who brushes off pain even while his skinned knee is still bleeding.

I’m feeling at a loss here. And angry, and upset, and frustrated, and sad. It’s not like we’ve ever let him run wild, or give him his way at a drop of a hat. I’ve read the behavioral books. And two of my brothers had varying degrees of ADD so I learned that structure is important (plus I just didn’t put up with a whole lot growing up the only girl in a family of boys). He has good (I thought) boundaries. I’ve never been hugely concerned with volume control so he can be louder than the other kids. It just seems like lately he is pushing his boundaries a lot. I know part of it is, yeah, terrible twos and a lot of changes lately… but you know that other part, because there always is another part to everything, just feels like I’m failing at my job

I know that he knows he is not supposed to bite. Hurting other people is just not acceptable. 

No one wants their kid to be that child.  (It’s hard to even write that.) Or labeled as that child when you know the bad behavior is the exception and not the norm.

If anyone has had experience with this I’d be so grateful to hear how you handled it.

 - wg

P.S. The other playgroup parents were incredibly gracious about the incident which just made me feel worse.

Fetishism Support Group Wanted

I rarely talk about this but… I have a secret affair going on. I love office supplies! There is just something about them… the pens, the sticky notes, the various and sundry elements to an office set, THE cutest little thumbtacks for the bulletin board which are coordinated (of course) with the appropriate themed folder files. It’s practically fetishism. And paper goods? They get me all tingly. A really good quality notebook, sexy wrapping paper, the heft of a great 90 lb linen-blend stationary? Oh, baby! You should have seen me at my wedding. Instead of picking my invites from a catalog I made them myself, lovingly choosing each paper selection, stroking the texture gently, and procuring just the right envelopes for their time together… like some godless paper pimp.  I know it’s bad.  I’ve mentioned before that I don’t scrapbook but, sometimes, I just walk down the scrapbook aisle to check things out. If I could stick a dollar bill down some art paper’s panties I probably would. 

Keen teases me mercilessly about this… in front of other people, (I blame my sense of shame on him), usually as I’m cruising Target looking for my yearly student planner. Oh yeah, that’s right… I use a student planner. I just happened to buy one as my day planner one year for a new job and I’ve been using them ever since. They’re the exact same thing as a day planner/calendar, they just run from July to August. And once you use one as your daily calendar you’re kind of stuck. There aren’t a whole lot of calendars available in August, especially ones that fill in that pesky August to December gap. (Plus, some of the student planners are super cute.  I heart Mead.)

Not to geek out on all of you, 12-year-old style (more than I usually do).  (I promise I have nothing with kittens on it.)

I know it’s “young” and not exactly “professional” but I also know I’m not the only one.  I’m just less-restrained about my desk accessories crush. When I worked in an office every day, my calendar was never mixed up with anyone else’s. I still marked up documents with the traditional red pen, but the red ink I used had sparkles in it. There were people who flat out thought it was weird and said so, but there were also those who would sneak into my office to bond over the release of colored staples or the newest magnet set. I had the only office with really colorful prints on the walls and “interesting” file boxes. Other co-workers would mention how “homey” my office always felt and find excuses to hang out. Even the Engineers. (That says something.) I was a haven, A HAVEN, for the other office supply fetishists!  And I also always shared my stash of Lunchables with anyone working through lunch.

Plain and simple, color helps me work. Cubical walls are evil (not to mention boring).  Plus, I personally believe that acknowledging one’s love for small organizational accessories is completely natural and healthy.  And the titillation of cool office supplies just carries over into my work, adding that extra zing. Nothing breaks the monotony like fondling a svelte gel roller.  I will not be ashamed.

I try, however, to be practical. There are only so many office supplies/paper goods one needs at any given time. Especially when a girl works from home. Part-time. And as you can imagine, this time of year is a little rough on me. I can usually manage to sneak in and get my student planner before all the back to school items explode and gyrate off the shelves. But now… *sigh*… now there are labor day sales going on. Erasers $.05 each. Three-ring binders, buy two get one free.  I have absolutely no need for three-ring binders.  But just look at them! All those brightly-colored spines looking so shiny and fresh-faced on the shelves, just waiting for someone to take off their wrappers. The latest specialty papers gyrating fluttering in the breeze of the air conditioning.  Oh, the sweet seductiveness of it all!

Maybe if I just buy one little item… say, a pencil sharpener.  You can never have too many pencil sharpeners, right? And those can be used for eyeliners, as well as pencils.  Sexy little multi-taskers.

They’re calling me I swear. 

            – the weirdgirl