Trying to catch up on Tivo’d TV after vacation. Let’s review…
First disregard the following recorded shows:
1) Anything that’s too “prime time”. I just don’t want Chance watching (or have in the background) prime-time shows; they’re much too over-stimulating. This includes not just TV programs that are violent or have adult-oriented content, but also the stuff that’s LOUD and has so many camera cuts, transitions, funky angles, etc. etc. etc. it could send a puppy into epileptic shock. (Seriously, I have issues with modern film techniques. I mean, god forbid a show focuses on original story-lines or character-development rather than nausea-inducing camera shots.)
2) Anything I usually watch with Keen. (It’s “together time”!)
3) Anything too long, like feature-length movies. I just don’t have time during the day. Or that’s what I tell myself. (Netflix SOOOO hates me! I don’t even want to look at how long I’ve had my current rentals.)
Then choose from remaining dregs selection, usually along the lines of “What Not to Wear” or a teen drama. (Anyone else catching “Beyond the Break”? No? It’s got teenage surfer chicks!) Start an hour-long show. Theoretically, minus the commercials this should take about 45 minutes.
Five minutes in Chance appears at my knee, whimpering. Pause show, get him more juice. Hit play.
Chance finishes all his juice, squirms onto my lap (sticky fingers!), sits quietly for 2.3 seconds. Then he begins using my back/arms/shoulders as a stepping stool to lean really close to the window. (Understand that he can see out the window perfectly well without stepping on me.) Put up with this for five minutes, then put him on the floor with a toy.
Rewind show by five minutes.
Toy starts making obnoxiously loud music. Turn up TV slightly.
Toy continues to make obnoxiously loud music. Turn up TV so that I can actually hear it.
Feel guilty about the non-educational-programming noise; turn TV back down.
Use the ten-second-back button six times in a row in order to hear what the protagonist just said.
Pause show. Get Chance interested in another toy.
Un-pause show. Look at clock; realize it’s lunch time. Pause show again and fix lunch.
Watch for ten whole uninterrupted minutes while Chance eats.
Watch for another five minutes while Chance tries to “feed” me.
Chance finishes eating and goes back to that. First. Damn. Toy! (I blame grandma.)
Rationalize in my head that this won’t impair some aspect of his development and turn up TV. Watch for another five minutes.
Smell something. Pause TV and change Chance. Then change diaper genie bag refill and lug “poop sausage” to outside garbage can. Come back in. Find groove in couch. Un-pause show.
Chance appears (as if by magic!) at knee with a book. Pause program, sit and read book together. Put book away. Go back to show.
Continue variations in pattern for the next TWO HOURS! Yeah, I couldn’t quite believe it myself but it took two whole hours to get through 45 minutes of programming. And that was just one of my Tivo’d shows.
I suppose this is just another post-parenthood activity where I’ll need to give up sleep to accomplish it efficiently. (Yes, I like my TV that much. And being anal about efficiency. What?) At least I didn’t have to watch any commercials.
– the weirdgirl