I’m gonna let you in on a little secret… being a mom doesn’t always let a girl keep up on the bikini waxes like she used to (Grover would be so ashamed). You know, when you maintained everything quite regularly, did the trims, made that appointment or bought a new home kit every six weeks (well, at least in the summer). That was before. Before the sleep deprivation, before the multiple-sized-clothing wardrobe, and before the mothering (i.e. taking care of everyone else besides yourself). Not to mention before some of the adverse side effects of pregnancy kicked in (i.e. stretch marks, varicose veins, hormonally-induced hair growth, stop me when it’s TMI). I think most of us moms will acknowledge that the grooming in general can get a little sparse. That doesn’t mean we don’t groom, but certain areas get a bit neglected. (I’d argue “quality over quantity” except that doesn’t really work for… um… hair removal.)
So I ask you this: If a good portion of female age-bearing consumers actually HAS children, why, oh WHY are there NO mom friendly shorts available? (And please, nobody point out that I can find plenty of baggy, pleated, above-the-waist monstrosities in the Newport catalog, aka “mom” jeans. That’s just not the look I want to sport, thank you.) Why am I bringing this up? Because summer came on quick out here and I realized that not only did I not have hot-weather clothes for Chance, but that everything that fit me last summer doesn’t fit anymore (and the clothes from the summer before that? Forget about it). So we went shopping.
All I really want is a pair of jean shorts that are neither at the knee (I’m not a Puritan for god sakes) or have a three inch inseam (i.e. an inseam appropriate for my one-year-old son’s shorts). Is it too much to ask for a pair of shorts that aren’t cut too low (or too high) in the waist and come down mid-leg? I mean, really, it’s not that hard. I would even be happy with the teeny bopper shorts if they could just add on a few more inches to the inseam. I really, really, really don’t want to NEED a bikini wax every time I put on a pair of shorts. Or to keep my legs crossed all the time. Or to never bend over. Don’t get me wrong, I love the bikini wax, best grooming invention ever (trust me, try one and you’ll love it – it only hurts a little), but I just don’t always have that kind of time.
And just ‘cause I’m a mom doesn’t mean I want to wear only capris (with a matching sweater set, hat, and flip flops – coordinating garden gloves also available) all the time. Sorry, but some states in the US of A are HOT in the summer! Too damn hot for much else besides shorts. Neither do I want to wear only loose floral dresses. Or boxy jumpers. And if anyone mentions skirts with a toddler I’m gonna roll on the floor laughing. It seems like everything comes down to two options: boxy, shapeless clothes, also known as the “I give up” category, or the clothes-cut-just-like-the-teenager’s, only in bigger sizes.
I’m thinking we need a whole new line of women’s clothing. A line for moms’ that aren’t “mom clothes”. Clothing that not only flatters our new shapes after childbirth (and that means seaming, people) but a line that remembers that we can’t always visit the spa for a “clean-up” every time we want to lounge out in the sun. This line could also carry tank tops that actually cover your bra straps (or at least sell bras that don’t so obviously look like bras, maybe). Other criteria for this miracle line of clothing: affordable, stylish, stain resistant, stores not blaring generic techno-esque R&B beats (what is that stuff? the new muzak?). Catalog would be great because who wants to shop with the kids anyways? (However, given the several-size-changes we go through after pregnancy their return policy would need to be very flexible.) I’m pretty sure we could get Stacy and Clinton to fully endorse this line (as long as we had appropriate footwear, of course).
And if the fashion industry cries, all “boohoo, we’re losing style to practicality”… well, fine. Here’s another idea: you wanna keep your short shorts? Then you better introduce full service in the stores. I’m talking an aesthetician with the hot wax waiting with every purchase of shorts.
- the weirdgirl