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December 2005
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February 2006

When You Know Your Life Has Gotten THAT Sad

Today we are, finally, getting a new roof.  I was going to post a picture but most of the pictures I put up here are already boring enough without adding the two men on a roof pic.  (If I could have gotten a shot of the guys swabbing the roof with hot tar in a Shawshank Redemption kind of tribute then, rest assured, I would have posted it ‘cause that would have been cool.)  Anyways, the GREAT news is that they said they’ll be done today, except for maybe some minor cleanup, replacing tiles, etc. tomorrow morning.  I had no idea this sort of thing could be done in a day.  Sure, the roof inspector guy had told me 2-3 days tops way back when I signed the contract, but I didn’t believe him.  I figured it would take 4-5.  Nothing in my experience has lead me to believe contractors (Gary excluded) are ever on time, let alone over-estimate the time needed to finish a project.  Sorry, I’m cynical that way.

The bad news is that they had to disconnect our satellite dish.  At first I didn’t panic.  I thought no big deal.  The roof guys even said they would be done by 4:00 if I could get a dish person out here today to reinstall.  I call Dish Network… they can’t get out here until FRIDAY!!  This means we have no TV whatsoever!  I swear I started having a complete meltdown, shakes included.  So so sad, but true.  It’s not like I don’t have plenty of books, music, movies,  and yes, anything already recorded on the DVR would play but still!  I was getting really pissed off even though there wasn’t a whole lot I could do.  My hippie parents would be very disappointed.  It was just one of those moments.  And then I checked the listings to find that Lost and Invasion are both repeats.  Whew!  Now I feel better. 

How super lame is that?              - the weirdgirl

(P.S. How lame is it that I just used the word “lame”?  Decade, anyone?)


A Little Too Literal

Chance’s new noise is a hooting monkey sound.  He does it when he’s in his crib trying to stave off falling asleep. He also hangs off the bars to his crib in all kinds of gyrations.  I know people describe their households full of kids as ZOOs, but geez!

Chance also gets pissed if I sing, “Despite all your rage, you’re still just a rat in a cage,” while he’s trapped outside a baby gate.  Maybe it’s because I start laughing. hee hee!     

             - the weirdgirl


Derailed – the Syndrome

This week started off so strong and then about halfway through completely foundered.  On Monday I was ahead of the game.  About Wednesday I got behind on my list of to dos, my writing, my blog reading, etc. etc. Chance needed extra cuddling that day and if I’ve learned anything about being a parent, I’ve learned that it will derail everything.  Everything you think you know, everything you expect to do, all emotional states of being – derailed, derailed, derailed.  Bad moods are vanished by seeing your kid’s smile.  Happy industriousness runs headlong into tantrum number twelve and becomes frustrated chagrin.  And, of course, LOTS of things just don’t get done in a timely manner.  Oy to the vey.

So I’m trying to play catch up this Saturday. (“Playing catch up” should be my new mantra.  Or maybe that’s a catch phrase, though that doesn’t sound like it will strike fear into the hearts of supervillains.  Wait, would that be a catch phrase or a warcry?  Hmm.  My mantra previous-to-kid had been, “What I Got” by good ol’ Sublime. “That’s why I don’t mind when my dog runs away…”  When the going got tough, I would hum that and reapply my lipstick.  I just felt like sharing that with you.)  Usually I try to avoid posting on the weekend so I can have uninterrupted family time.  But today I felt I really needed to make up for some lost time.  Re-railing, so to speak. 

I had a lovely lunch with Wood yesterday.  And I stayed longer than I meant to (sorry Wood!) only because the kids looked SO CUTE together!  This was the first time I got to see Chance with another child close to his age and let me tell you, they were frickin’ precious.  Juniper and Chance crawled around on the floor, played with toys, collaborated on opening and closing a set of French doors, and grinned their little baby grins.  I had a hard time taking my eyes off of them.  (Like a dork, I forgot my camera, so I hope Wood got some good photos.)

I’ve updated the Things They Don’t Tell You list (see previous post), after getting some new additions from my girl Rebecca.  Thanks hon!

Props to :P Fuzzbox, my worthy adversary on our Beauty vs. the Beast post.  You rock!  (And I love the girly pics on your site.  Some feminist I am, huh?  Now where’s my steak dinner? )

OK, I think that’s it for now.  Next on my list is a blogroll update. I can’t promise that it will get done today (I see derailment heading for me like a pre-toddler crawling machine), but it will get done eventually.  I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! 

            - the weirdgirl


The Things They Don’t Tell You in Lamaze

The Official List - As usual I invite any additions for the list of the things no one warned you about or any unexpected things that you found irksome, disturbing, strange or funny while on the great parenthood adventure. Commentary, category suggestions and humor are encouraged. I will give credit and a link back to anyone who participates. - wg

BEFORE!

Category: Waiting Waiting Waiting, Pregnancy Itself

Dead Thing in My Mouth - Submitted by Em at Compulsively Crocheted: I just recently became pregnant and haven't been to Lamaze class yet, but I have something going on that certainly seems weird. It seriously tastes like something died in my mouth.  Disgusting much?!  I know my hormones are going crazy and everything but it makes food taste horrible and no amount of brushing or mouthwash helps!  Can't wait for the second trimester!


AFTER!

Category: Diapers

Butt Explosions – You all know what I’m talking about: volume, odor, leakage and/or multi-layered colored strata…enough said. -wg

Sniffing for Poops – Sure they discussed dirty diapers in Lamaze. They showed us how to change a dirty diaper. They talked about how we would need to watch for frequency and consistency of said poop (NEVER firmer than peanut butter!!). What they didn’t tell us is how, at some point, we would find ourselves, with increasing frequency and enthusiasm, burying our noses in our child’s patooty, inhaling vociferously like we were sniffing crack off the baby’s bottom, only to announce (practically crowing in glee) to the world at large, “Yep, there’s poops in there!” - wg

Exer-saucer or Poop - Submitted by J at Black Belt Mama: No one tells you that the cure for baby constipation is a nice sit in the saucer. No one tells you either, that if said baby is in said saucer when poop occurs, you'll be cleaning it from behind her ears.

Category: New Skills

Such Talented Feet - The sudden ability to properly identify foodstuffs with just your feet.  As in, step, step... hotdog, step step... three-day old petrified corn, etc.  No sight recognition necessary, simply walk across the rug and see what your feet tell you.  - wg

American Idol (for the Under Six Set) - Submitted by Andrea at The World of Me: I don't know what category this falls under but I know that after I had my son and now that he is six, I can't remember who sings what song from my OWN choice of albums and bands, yet for some reason I know all the actions and lyrics to EVERY single Wiggles song and don't find that scary at all, especially while doing dishes and just breaking out into song... when did that become acceptable?

WHO Invented Multitasking? - Submitted by nakedanarchists: Only a mother can nurse her infant while talking on the phone, taking a cake out of the oven, and write a check--all at the same time! What did we do with our time before kids???

Category: The Physics of Vomit

That First Time - Submitted by Amy at Binkytown: The first time your baby vomits, I mean really vomits, its like a horror movie! What seems like a juicy burp can surprise you and before your eyes turn into a monster projectile puke. My poor baby looked as though he had just come through the car wash but someone forgot to rinse the soap off of him. He was plastered in it. It was stuck to his eyebrows, in his eyelashes, in his ears. Oh the horror.  I had to collect all the soiled bedding, towels, clothes (both sets for both of us), bathmats, etc. in a big black garbage bag, wearing my yellow plastic dish washing gloves and take the first of many showers that week, because you know, it never happens just once.

Category: Postpartum Bodily Functions

Revenge of the Period – Submitted by Gigi at Growing Up Too Fast: One of the things I hated but didn't know about until it happened was what I call "Revenge of the Period." I guess it makes sense that after such a long hiatus you'd get one heck of a period, but COME ON!

Premiere Poop – Submitted by Girls Gone Child: Um, this is totally gross and I never took lamaze class BUT I have a feeling that they do not tell you about the post-partum premiere-poop- HE-LLOOOO? Giving birth AGAIN much? Shiyat.

Mrs. Roid - Submitted by Kristen at Motherhood Uncensored: How about the passing or permanent visit from Mrs. Roid? Always a pleasant surprise for new moms... making the post-partum poopies even more exciting... Thank god for baby oil, prep H, and GIN.

Tinkle, Tinkle – Submitted by Izzy at Moonshine: They sure as hell don't tell you that you MAY be wetting your pants every time you sneeze or get up off the floor too fast — for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!

Sneaky Poots - Submitted by Keri at Auburn Girl Always:  Sneaky poots. While related to the regular appearance of Mrs. Roid and the other extreme muscular stretching effects of vaginal births, sneaky poots are particularly troublesome. When I returned to work 8 weeks after the birth of DD (now 5 and awaiting arrival of her baby sister/brother in Feb. '07), I became aware that the mere act of standing up from my desk or bending over at a file cabinet or some other perfectly normal and NOT strenuous movement would assist in the sneaky exit of gas.

Category: Breasts

Flailing Boob Syndrome – The occurrence of extra boob movement on particular days (I STILL don’t get why this happens!) - wg

Headlights – Submitted by Mary at DayCareDaze: I've always been well-endowed, and after THREE pregnancies, I never, ever, ever go in public without a bra, not for a second. It's not so much about the flailage, which has ALWAYS been an issue for me, but that the headlights are so dramatically out of alignment. So they're flailing in two TOTALLY DIFFERENT directions.

Stretch Marks on the Boobages - This one just never occurred to me… but let me tell you it’s not very attractive! And I think any extra stretch marks ANYWHERE are just sort of unfair. - wg

The Lost & Found Valley - I don't know why this one is in the "Requisite Handbook of Mom Looks, Sayings & Occurrences" but ever since I became a mother things keep falling down my shirt.  Food, leaves, small toys... everything ends up in my bra.  This never happened before parenthood, and it's not like I gained any additional bosum with pregnancy.  In fact, being on the small side, it's not even like I have any real cleavage... just a valley.  A wide, food-filled valley.  - wg

Category: Our Changing Bodies

The Front Ass – Submitted by Jess at Them and Us: No one mentioned that after having a few kids, that your lower abdomen would cease to resemble normal skin, and would instead crumple in on itself. An almost perfectly centered, vertical fold of skin right below the belly button. Which looks like your ass. Except in front. And a little less functional. (Because the ass in general does serve several necessary functions, while the front ass does not.)

Category: the Brain and the Five Senses

Failed Eyesight – Submitted by Girls Gone Child: Failed Eyesight. It started with pregnancy and has gotten significantly worse. And now I am practically blind.

Enhanced Smell – This isn’t as bad now as the enhanced olfactory sense you have when you’re pregnant, but still it seems like my nose is more sensitive than it used to be. I feel like I can literally sniff out a poopy diaper within a hundred foot range. And for all of you out there who indulge in the “cut and run” method to disposing gas… trust me, if you try that around me these days, I’ll know (much to my dismay). - wg

Memory – Submitted by Mary at DayCareDaze: Memory! They tell you in Lamaze classes that pregnant women often have trouble with their short-term memory. They tell you it will come back. My oldest is twenty, and I'M STILL WAITING...

Butter Fingers - Just like with memory, someone had warned me that the manual dexterity in my hands might go down when I was pregnant (though this was NEVER mentioned in Lamaze).  What I never expected was that I wouldn't get it all back!  Sure I can manage to pick up stuff more reliably now than when I was pregnant, but I'm still dropping things.  (And you'd think with a new baby, the ability to HOLD ON to items would be a rather critical skill.)  - wg

Category: Clothes

If the Shoe Fits – Submitted by BiteMyCookie: I am quite please to only be afflicted by the gross surge and recession of my shoe size. After Foo came flying out and my cankles gave way, I went from a 9-1/2 to an 11. I am just getting back into 9-1/2 17 months later. dang. This is great.

If the Shoe Fits II - I knew feet changed size during pregnancy - what with water, weight gain, and the general vindictive humor of the universe. What I didn’t expect was that my feet would continue to occasionally bloat oh so subtly after the pregnancy (and subtly enough that I hadn’t noted it previously) to the extent that I could try on a pair of shoes, love them, buy them, go to wear them THREE DAYS LATER aaaand… they don’t fit. (What was I saying about the universe?)   - wg

The Right Shirt – Submitted by ktjrdn: Everyone tells you how it takes a while to fit into your pre-pregnancy pants, but no one mentions the shirts. When I was breast-feeding, only about half my shirts fit me. I wore my pants pretty quickly I think, but looked like Dolly Parton on top for a full year.

The New Accessory I find myself choosing daily meals by color based on what I or my child is wearing... not ONLY so I can avoid new stains, but also so I can just smear the food across my sleeve and still leave the house without changing. - wg

Category: Skin, Hair, and Postpartum Grooming

Ch-ch-changes! – Submitted by Coffee Betsy: For my entire life, I have been cursed with stick-straight hair that will not hold a curl. Then, after I had a baby, my hair turned curly. The kind of curly that I desperately tried to replicate in 8th grade with a series of unfortunate perms.  What's up with that? Oh, and to make things EXTRA fun, it's not totally curly and gorgeous and movie star looking -- the top layer is still totally straight.

It’s All About Timing – One thing they don’t have to tell you in Lamaze is that kids sure are messy. I don’t know about anyone else but I’ve learned to time when I’m going to put on lotion; for example, mealtimes, playing outside, and arts and crafts are times to avoid. That lotion is just going to attract other sticky elements (like, with magnetic force!) and then you have to wash it off anyway.  Preferably wait until your child’s naptime or after he’s gone to bed. Actually, I find that all grooming is best done when everyone in the household is asleep… children, spouses, pets, it’s just easier to get quiet time in the bathroom.  Bikini wax at midnight, anyone?    - wg

Line of Demarcation - One of the less obvious marks of pregnancy were these little ridges I got in my finger nails, like little speed bumps straight across the nail. After I gave birth I watched the last ridge slowly grow out, marking the time before and after I was pregnant. Just thinking about it makes me a little nostalgic.  - wg

Too Much of a Good Thing - Submitted by EdenSky: They tell you you may get thick shiny hair...they don't tell you that it may not be on your head. Face, thighs, stomach, nipples, feet...yeah. Also, it may not go away after the pregnancy is over!

Category: That Thing Called Sleep

The Other Bedwetting – Submitted by ktjrdn: They tell you that you will be tired. What they fail to mention is that you'll be so tired that when you get up to pee before feeding the baby in the middle of the night, yet again, that you just may be sooo tired that you forget to pull down your underwear before using the toilet.

Every Which Way but Up - Submitted by Kara at Cape Buffalo: I don't even know what you'd call this... but at one point, I was so sleep deprived that I woke up in the middle of the night to feed my crying baby and she wouldn't stop grunting and squirming and she wouldn't latch on.  It took me several minutes to realize I was trying to nurse the back of her head.  Her face was in the crook of my arm.

Category: Necessary Items

Black Holes – What’s up with turning around and suddenly there isn’t enough of something on hand that YOU KNOW you had plenty of a moment before? And I mean, KNOW as in just picked up the item and put it in it’s proper place OR just pulled a big pile of laundry out of the dryer, folded everything, and put it away. This includes but is not limited to: burp rags, bibs, clean undershirts, favorite toy(s). And, more importantly, HOW are those same items ending up in a pile in the middle of the floor to get tripped over in the dead of the night (especially the toys)? (I swear I put everything away, so I can only assume the universe and quantum mechanics just have it in for parents.) - wg

Category: Just Plain Gross

Eating Out – Somehow I never expected “eating out” to turn into “eating off”, as in eating off the counter, eating off the baby’s spoon, eating pieces of food that missed baby’s mouth off his cheek, and of course, eating off the floor. Screw the 15-second rule, this one only applies if it’s been on the floor for 15 minutes or longer (basically, when you get sick of waiting for baby or pets to come scoop it up on another trip around the coffee table). If it’s on the floor and doesn’t look too trampled… pop, right in the mouth. - wg

Even Dirtier Than Camping - Regardless if you just stepped out of the shower, between the drool, milk, sticky fingers, second-hand sweat, smeared food, or general dirt and grime that just "travels" from your child to you... it's official... you're NEVER CLEAN!  - wg

The ToleranceSubmitted by EdenSky: My addition is the total re-evaluation of your tolerance for bodily fluids. As in: Diaper springs a little leak while baby's on your lap? Meh, it's not poopy, why bother changing?...Baby offers you a bite of half-chewed slobbery cookie? Sure, that's still 70% good cookie!...Kid's nose is running and she keeps licking it? Wipe that sucker with the edge of your sleeve...Poop on your hand would once have necessitated a vat of bleach and possibly some flames, but now a little soap will do the trick...Vomit, however is still gross.


BEYOND BABYHOOD! 

Category: Blessed Toddlerhood

Jekyll and Hyde (Chuckle... then hide)Submitted by Ilina at Dirt and Noise: You know what they don't tell you? That the sweet, swaddled, deliciously darling infant with the softest skin imaginable and coos so magical they make you coo in return will one day be 3-years old. A fired up, storm of emotions ranging from high pitched tantrums (in public, natch) to squeals of words that leave you wondering, "Where did he learn that? Certainly I never use THAT word!"

Category: All Things Potty

The Death Spiral of a Sex Drive Submitted by cranky buddha: No one told me that my once sexy husband would ruin it all by using the word "potty" in reference to his OWN PERSONAL toilet needs!!!! What the hell is that?

Category: the Brain and the Five Senses... Continued!

Memory: Who Knows What the Kids Will Take Next? Submitted by cranky buddha:  It has taken them years (8 and 6) but my kids have finally succeeded in depleting me of my most prized piece of my brain... The part that contained my beloved and highly valued spelling and grammar skills! There was once a time when Microsoft Word and I got along swimmingly and I NEVER got those silly red and green underlines. I didn't even know how to use spell check! Now I'm down asking my eight year old if he thinks a particular word looks right to him... Luckily, he's a great speller.


Another Milestone – the Sporting Event

I’m pooped today.  I was going to attempt to meet the playgroup for a walk this morning, but Chance went to his first hockey game last night (and late night = late morning).  We got last minute box tickets, which were perfect because there was floor to crawl on, it wasn’t as loud as the stadium seating, and there were plenty of ladies one box over for Chance to flirt with through the glass.  When he wasn’t watching the game intently, of course. Everyone was quite impressed that we had a 10-month-old fan in the making.  But I think it’s more akin to watching fish in a tank… all those players skating around on the ice seen from up high, not to mention the lightshow and the crazy fans chanting and waving their arms; it should hold a baby’s attention.  Oh yeah, and the zambonis were a big hit.

I have a list of things I’ve been meaning to write/post about that I haven’t gotten to, including an update of the Things They Don’t Tell You list (and if anyone has additions they’d like to add please feel free to email me or comment) and Baby Palmistry (you’re intrigued already, aren’t you?).  But right at the moment, I need a catnap.  Here’s a couple of pics from last night instead.            - wg

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A Little Scared

I’ve been looking into playgroups recently, for my sanity and Chance’s socialization.  There is this neat organization locally that puts together moms (and dads) and kids by age group and location (which they call “clubs”).  For example, there is a neighborhood club of kids born in 2005.  The neighborhoods they cover are fairly large so that they cover a good region and with a lot of people joined, they can have a lot of activities.  The closest club to me has about 50 members with various activities and even smaller playgroups once you meet people. Once you contact a club you have 30 days to check ‘em out before coughing up any membership dough.  So cool beans, right?  They give you an opportunity to meet and greet and if you really don’t click with anyone they also give you a chance to look at other clubs in the area.  (There are three possible clubs I can check out that aren’t too far.)

I’m talking to this really nice woman on the phone; the organizer of the group.  Super nice, did I mention that?  She’s telling me about all the activities and this is when I start to get a little nervous…

“And as well as the Walks and Park Days, we also have a monthly Girls’ Night Out and those are a lot of fun.  Sometimes it’s Bunko Night, or Scrapbooking Night, but I think next month…”

It was as she said “Bunko” and “Scrapbooking” that my little internal monitor started beeping.  Understand, I have nothing against either of these things.  I have heard of Bunko.  I know it’s a game, and I’m pretty sure it involves buns and kos, but I have NO IDEA how to play.  I’ve actually tried to scrapbook in the past… it didn’t go well. This is not to say that I’m not a crafty person.  I do consider myself a crafter and pretty damn good with my hands.  I just do different crafts than scrapbooks.  I do jewelry work.  I’ve been doing jewelry work since high school when I took my first metal-smithing class.  And maybe it’s got something to do with burning stuff with a propane torch but jewelry work and scrapbooking are pretty different.  I seem to have a mental block with scrapbooks.  It’s not the decorating part; I can do that, sort of, like the covers and so on (and I’ve even pilfered the components to work into jewelry pieces).  It’s the photos.  I just can’t seem to do anything with photos beyond taking the pictures and printing them out.  I certainly can’t think up great text to post around the page (which is funny in itself considering I’m a book and words person) or themed doodads to go with each photo.  I can stick them in frames and/or I can throw them into a photo box with a labeled index card, but that’s about it.  (The baby photo album I started is… well, it’s just in a sad state right now, OK?  And no, none of the grandmas have gotten their “brag books”.)

So anyway.  (I’m blathering on, I know.)  It was those words that started to scare me, just because there’s only so many playgroup events and if I’m already obviously not following the Usual Mom Hobbies & Interests then… well… I’m a little worried.  You know, things to talk about, things to do together, blah blah blah.  Clique defining things (not that I’m very pro-cliquish, but the point IS to hang out with someone).  Oh yeah, and ALL the activities so far (except for Girls’ Night Out) are set up for the mornings.  NOT a strong time of day for me.  (Or Chance for that matter, his nap time coincides with all the Park Days.) 

But I’m gonna give it a go.  Maybe after I get to know a few ladies I can ask the real question… is there an afternoon playgroup for disaffected poet fashionistas?  ‘Cause I think I would fit in great with THAT group.        – the weirdgirl


24 – Cue the Music

I’ve been catching up on my Tivo this weekend.  I had quite a backlog going.  So I just finished watching the second 2-hour segment of 24.  I know this show has a huge following and in general I think the show is pretty good.  However, I do have a few issues with the show. 

First of all, I HATE HATE HATE Derrick (or Derek or whatever cutesy way to spell Dereck is in vogue now)!  For some reason the producers of 24 feel it is necessary to make every teenager on the show look like they’re strung out on drugs or a prostitute.  But that, though I find generally irksome as I don’t think all teenagers either look or should be depicted as druggie hookers, is beside the point… I just hate Derrick.  And I know he won’t just quietly fade away.  We’re going to have see Derek’s earnest, greasy mug popping up throughout the entire season of the show as he gets into places he shouldn’t be and Jack tries to valiantly protect his stupid ass.  And dude, wash your fucking hair.

Second, the music.  I understand the mechanics of using music and sound effects to enhance the emotional intensity of a given scene.  However, when those same sound effects and music are played non-stop for the entire show they lose their effect.  I find I am either numb to the music or, and more often, I am TOTALLY FUCKING IRRITATED about ten minutes in.  Seriously, it’s not making my heart pound in anticipation.  I’ve seen the show for how many seasons now?  I know Jack is gonna be shooting people and running around without stopping to eat or pee for hours on end.  He’s also probably gonna die a couple of times and be brought back to life.  OK, I get it.  I don’t need continuous music to remind me Jack’s life is intense or how to feel.

Thirdly, character development on this show is… let’s be honest, pretty damn light.  Please don’t expect me to empathize and/or care deeply for the woman we saw for, like, five seconds at breakfast because she’s now hysterical that her dumb, greasy-haired son (who doesn’t listen to her BTW) is now a hostage.  And yes, when that music swells and we’re supposed to be wiping away our tears of relief I know I can’t be the only one rolling her eyes.   

So those are my sacrilegious issues.  All of that aside I do actually like the show and I’ll be watching it this season.  But, for me, it’s far from perfect.  For those of you waiting to lynch me please take a number and I’ll call you when your turn comes up.  I’ll even have a soundtrack.         – the weirdgirl


Machine go vroom

Oooh, I just ordered me a Roomba!  *cackle cackle – wrings hands together in glee*  For those of you unfamiliar with the Roomba it is a robotic vacuum.  It will vacuum your floors for you without you having to do anything.  I can’t wait to get my hands on this puppy.  We have an older home with wood floors, and between the cracks around windows and doors that happens with age and the lack of carpeting to camouflage dirt, there are a lot of dust bunnies necking in the shadowed corners of the rooms (like frickin’ teenagers, they are!).  I am so excited!  I envision gleaming floors, spotless rooms, the little robot trailing after the kid and the cats scooping up every crumb.  Oh beauty, thou name is technology.  I know this all seems very June Cleaver and I normally am NOT the type to get excited over cleaning products (I’d rather garden or tinker with shit), but if this saves me from having to vacuum every other fucking day I will be a very happy homemaker.  I may even put on a flippin’ apron!  (Probably won’t stay on, though, if Keen has anything to do with it.)

On other fronts, I’m STILL waiting for a new roof.  Blasted rain.  I just checked in with the roofers and they’re estimating another week and a half.  But MAYBE I’ll get the Roomba by the time they start!  A new roof should generate dust, right?   *bwa ha ha!*  Ah, new toys.  What’s more fun?         - the weirdgirl


Parental Hearing – The Oxymoron

"Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain."
-- Alan Bleasdale (b. 1946), British playwright, novelist

These are the sounds I’ve become accustomed to:

crash

clank

*Da da da la la… shriek*

ding ding ding

CRASH

smack smack

“I’m Pierre, need some air?” (toy)

*peals of laughter*

clunk clunk clunk

BRRRRING!

quiet…

…tink

And that last, folks, is what makes me run.  Anything that would make such a small, quiet sound hitting the floor can surely be swallowed, jabbed in the eye, or stuck in some orifice it doesn’t need to be.

(You would think with all this running around that I would be in a lot better shape. But I just feel old, I tell you, OLD!)           - the weirdgirl


A Couple More

So.  I am continuing the “Things They Didn’t Tell You” list even though it occurs to me, since I only got one comment, that I have rather rotten timing considering that I brought up the delurker thing at the end of delurking week (man, I’m always late) AND while everyone else is all abuzz over the Best of Blog Awards (late again) AND on a Friday to boot.  Or maybe just no one wants to play.  *sigh*  Oh, well.  I’m still continuing ‘cause I think it’s funny (and I have a need to organize things that I suspect might be a little compulsive… hmmm).  Anywho, here’s a couple more.    

                – the weirdgirl

    

The Things They Don’t Tell You in Lamaze

Category: Diapers

Sniffing for Poops – Sure they discussed dirty diapers in Lamaze.  They showed us how to change a dirty diaper.  They talked about how we would need to watch for frequency and consistency of said poop (NEVER firmer than peanut butter!!).  What they didn’t tell us is how, at some point, we would find ourselves, with increasing frequency and enthusiasm, burying our noses in our child’s patooty, inhaling vociferously like we were sniffing crack off the baby’s bottom, only to announce (practically crowing in glee) to the world at large, “Yep, there’s poops in there!”

Category: Menstrual Cycles/Blood 

Revenge of the Period – Submitted by Gigi at Growing Up Too Fast: One of the things I hated but didn't know about until it happened was what I call "Revenge of the Period." I guess it makes sense that after such a long hiatus you'd get one heck of a period, but COME ON!

Category: BOOBS/HOOTERS/TA-TAs

Flailing Boob Syndrome – the occurrence of extra boob movement on particular days (I STILL don’t get why this happens!)

Headlights – Submitted by Mary at DayCareDaze: I've always been well-endowed, and after THREE pregnancies, I never, ever, ever go in public without a bra, not for a second. It's not so much about the flailage, which has ALWAYS been an issue for me, but that the headlights are so dramatically out of alignment. So they're flailing in two TOTALLY DIFFERENT directions.

            

Stretch Marks on the Boobages - this one just never occurred to me… but let me tell you it’s not very attractive!  And I think any extra stretch marks ANYWHERE are just sort of unfair.


I Love Lists

So this last week was national delurker week and I didn’t post anything about it because so many other blogs did so I figured everyone knew, but I did want to acknowledge the new people who came out of the closet and commented for the first time. Thank you all!  You know, deep down I’m really all about the interaction (probably why I’m always blathering on other peoples’ sites (though I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with all the good reading out there)) so I really like it when I hear from new visitors. 

Continuing (although late – look I’m a mom, I’ve got limited time OK?) the delurking tradition and also some of the theme from yesterday’s flailing boob issue I’ve decided to start an actual list of ALL THE THINGS THEY DON’T TELL YOU IN LAMAZE.  And I invite all and any of you to add the things you learned later that no one warned you about or the things you didn’t expect or are just generally irksome, disturbing, or strange about the great parenthood* adventure.  Commentary, category suggestions and humor are encouraged.  I will make this a continuing list and I will give credit and a link back to anyone who participates.  It will be a giant Venting List and Words of Warning!  If we get enough I’ll put up it’s own page, otherwise I will periodically re-post the list.  So here’s a start.

Category: BOOBS/HOOTERS/TA-TAs

Flailing Boob Syndrome – the occurrence of extra boob movement on particular days (I STILL don’t get why this happens!)

Headlights – as Mary mentioned, no one told me that the headlights might become a permanent fixture after kids; especially different direction headlights (contributed by Mary at DayCareDaze – you all should read her comment on the post below)

            

Stretch Marks on the Boobages - this one just never occurred to me… but let me tell you it’s not very attractive!  And I think any extra stretch marks ANYWHERE are just sort of unfair.

(*And not that I’m forgetting my non-parent peeps – if you folks have any heard any weird things you’d like to pass on or even general THINGS THEY DON’T TELL YOU I want to hear those too.) 

I also wanted to mention a new parenting site that is dedicated to “practical parenting wisdom”, Parent Hacks.  I’m really excited about this site because sometimes I’ve just wanted to look up advice or tips without either paying for the privilege or digging through bulletin boards to find what I need and some of the other officially sanctioned parenting websites just haven’t done the trick.  Thanks Chag for first announcing this new site!        – the weirdgirl


Flailing Boob Syndrome

I am disgruntled.  It’s no secret that the breasts change after a baby.  I knew to expect change… but still.  My breasts do not look like, as one friend so eloquently put it, “tube socks with tennis balls at the bottom”, but nevertheless they just don’t hoot like they used to. Worse still… there are those days… days when the boobs are flailing about even more than usual.  Moments when, instead of going to retrieve the morning paper in my PJs nonchalantly (albeit quickly) as I usually do, instead I find myself carefully screening to avoid passerbys, putting on a sweatshirt, and then scurrying frantically, clutching at my bosoms, to retrieve the paper because… BECAUSE THE BOOBS ARE JUST EVERYWHERE!  The hooters are a-flailing.  The boobs have become waving appendages in their own right.  Why is this?  Why does this happen?  Why should one ta-ta moment in time be different than another?  Seriously?  I am trying to comprehend here.

Shit, the things they don’t tell you in Lamaze… someone could write a book.         

            - the weirdgirl


Keen's Fan Base

Dsc00900_rotated Keen is out of town this week on training.  And I know he's DYING because he can't see his son.  As he says, "It's like my very own fan base."  Well, honey, just in case you can get to a computer here's a few shots to hold you over.  Love you babe!           - the weirdgirl

                                 

                Little Butt...

Dsc00901_rotated

             

      

...Little Butt

Dsc00899_rotated

                    

Little Butt!                   


Lazy Ass

I am trying to switch schedules this week.  I’m going to attempt to get my ass up earlier in the morning, or at least earlier than my son, so that I can groom myself and maybe do a few things around the house.  This may seem like no big deal, thousands of other moms get up early every day, but you need to understand… I’m NOT a morning person.  Previously I have been letting my ass sleep in until my son wakes up and then getting up with him.  This is usually between 8:00 and 9:00 in the morning. And I’ve been doing all of my work/writing/blogging at night after everyone is asleep, so I am often up quite late.  I actually don’t have a problem with this routine.  It suited me, it suited the kid, it’s definitely in line with my natural sleep patterns, BUT there are a few glitches.

Glitch #1 – early morning appointments. Usually I have to wait for Chance to take his first nap before I can get a shower. Consequently I have had more than a few stinky days.  (I don’t think I ACTUALLY stink; you know, that other people can smell.  But after a while I just feel icky.  And an icky mom is, um, well, gross.  There’s only so many layers of baby slobber, snot, and formula one can take.)

Glitch #2 – exhaustion.  Surprise, surprise, being SAH can be tiring.  Sometimes, as I’m trying to finish up a paying project I am really, really struggling to think clearly.  (As you can tell by my posts.  Sorry folks, you aren’t always getting my A game.  Sometimes I don’t even spell check.  Throw some cash my way and we’ll talk.) 

Glitch #3 – rush hour.  My Internet connection, lately, has SUCKED ASS late at night.  I blame it on all the folks surfing (and consequently, all the applications doing maintenance at the same time).  Blog at work, people!  That’s what it’s for! 

So there are my reasons.  Please, in no way confuse this with a resolution, because it aint.  Just because it’s January and you say you’re gonna do something does not automatically make it a resolution.  This is merely an experiment in time management.  We’ll see how it goes.  Blogging posts and making/responding to comments will remain as erratic as ever, I promise ( – that’s called an ANTI-resolution).

Thank you for your patience.     – the (weird) management


The Visitor

There has been a new guest appearance in our household recently.  It popped up so suddenly I really didn’t expect it.  I call it… the attitude.  It’s a steely eyed gaze and stubborn jaw I now see occasionally on my baby, cold and unforgiving.  I get the distinct impression, as I’ve trying to spoon a glop of pureed baby mush into my child’s mouth, that he’s thinking, “Mom, exactly who the fuck do you think you are?  I’m not eating that crap.”  I blame it on all the medication.  Geez… you wrestle a baby down three times a day for 7-10 days and they suddenly act like you’re untrustworthy. 

Now in general, I’ll be the first to say that we’ve been extremely lucky.  Chance started sleeping through the night at a pretty early stage, he’s generally a happy child, and he’s really only been officially sick two times.  Of course, there’s been the periods of fussiness or slight sniffles, but they never lasted too long (even if during the episodes it feels like they last forever).  For the most part he’s been a smiley little bugger.

But now… but now… *sigh* 

Premonitions of the terrible twos are haunting me.  I suppose this is what happens when two strong-willed people mate, huh?              - the weirdgirl

 


Fun for the Whole Family

After watching much too much Noggin, it occurs to me that there is an untapped after-market potential that could produce unprecedented revenues if the producers at Noggin were wise enough to grab it.  A way to expand the target audience past Noggin’s toddler-to-preschool demographic and simultaneously provide more sponsorship opportunities.  In fact, it’s such an natural direction to go I’m not sure why no one at Noggin has thought of this before.  Yes, I’m talking about…

The Laurie Berkner Burlesque Review

Now think about it.  Of course, I am not suggesting that Noggin broadcast burlesque along with their preschool programming.  That would be silly and short-sighted.  I’m saying take it on the road as a partnership venture.  Just like all the other touring children’s music groups that kids beg to go to, Laurie’s Burlesque Review could be similar but with her songs set to burlesque choreography.   Imagine parents, you would no longer have to sit for three boring hours in the grass at some open-air theatre with nothing to do but sunburn and endure mind-numbing children’s songs you’ve heard over and over again as your kids go nuts. With the Laurie Berkner Burlesque Review, you could sit through the same tunes but now with beautiful exotic dancers shaking their money-makers at you.  Visualize it… comfy seats, dim lighting, stale popcorn, music the kids love, and the spectacle of pasties twirling in the air.  The kids are happy, dad’s happy, mom is… er… well, it depends on the mom.  But in theory, it’s entertainment for the whole family.

Don’t think it would work?  Well, just consider the following songs…

I Know a Chicken (Lyrics: “Now shake it in a circle, shake it round and round…”)

Victor Vito  (all those lines about boys and burritos, I mean, come on)

Boody Boody Ya Ya Ya  (do I need to explain the lyrics here?)

Blow a Kiss (Lyrics: “like this, blow a kiss”  It’s such a shimmy song!)

The beauty of this is Laurie wouldn’t even have to be there.  (You didn’t seriously think I was going to suggest that the band perform the burlesque, did you?  Let’s not get crazy now.)  She could license the rights and still perform her normal tours, all while she and Noggin rake in the dough to fund future productions of quality, educational programming for the young ones.   

As for those critics that I’m sure (given their usual conservative rantings and ravings about “family values”) will level charges about the show being “traumatizing” and “immoral” for the kiddies.  Well, look, these kids are of an age where they’ve seen nothing but breasts for most of their young lives!  I think early exposure to theatre and artistic expression (right in line with Noggin’s philosophy, I might add) vastly outweigh the critics’ dogmatic skepticism. 

And the kiddies have to learn how to hang lifesavers off their nipples sometime.

             - the weirdgirl


It’s Raining… (insert favorite cliché here)

So a chunk of our ceiling fell in yesterday. Don’t worry, it’s a small chunk, about a foot square I figure.  But still.  Now we have a moldy, musty, gross-looking hole that is spewing out musty air and mold spores everywhere.  I’m not just being paranoid; my nose starting stuffing up immediately. 

The ironical bit is that we were actually scheduled to put in a new roof this week.  But the rain decided to come in and kick our asses first.  We have another whole section that had leaked a little bit previously in a small containable area, but now has grown into a large swatch of questionable-looking ceiling.  So it looks like a patch job for today and probably no new roof for a couple of weeks.  Blech. 

I thought about trying to come up with a crafty solution to the gaping hole, but I couldn’t think of much besides tacking up a garbage bag and maybe decorating with sequins.  Just to assuage my crafting sensibilities, you understand.

Well, I’m off to DEAL, as they say.  Need a new filter for the air purifier that’s gallantly fighting off the mold.  Just to share, here’s my current favorite quote:   

Ah well, she thought. Being dead is probably just like everything else in life: you pick some of it up as you go along, and you just make up the rest.   - from Anansi Boys, by Neil Gaiman

-         the weirdgirl


Catching Up

I got tagged with this meme by Matthew at childsplayx2 a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t realize I had been tagged because that was when my back was out and I was off the Internet, much to my dismay (and a little to my worriment).  I mean, dismay caused by being off the Internet, not the meme.  And I mean worrisome as I really shouldn’t be so attached to my DSL connection, should I?  Hmmm, food for thought.  Anyway.  Once I managed to catch up on my reading I found the tag.  I reckoned it would be a good way to start off the new year because I had to REALLY THINK to remember what the hell I was doing 10 years ago and so I thought thinking and remembering in general might be a good thing to begin the new year with.  And also because I don’t DO resolutions.  I just keep a rolling five year plan in my head most of the time and try to work to it.  (How anal is that?) 

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.
1.
Running2Ks
2. Queen of Spain
3. Becky
4. childsplayx2

5. the weirdgirl

Select five people to play (but only if they want to). I was going to include MIM and CroutonBoy in this list, but MIM has already gotten hit and she tagged CroutonBoy, damn it all. Consider yourselves lucky.
1)
Chag
2) Phil
3) Mary
4) Igmar
5) Kim 

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was just about to finish my BA in English Lit.  And yes, it took me longer than average (seven years) to finish the usual four-year degree, primarily because I was working all through school and I had a nasty bout of mono in the middle and another semester where I was just burnt out and took off school to work more hours.  (In retrospect, I probably should have taken off work to do some more schooling.)  I also had just quit a really AWFUL crappy job that I hated and was sexist to boot and whose management suddenly decided that sorry, I wouldn’t be able to work 32 hours a week, I would HAVE to work 40 hours a week regardless of whether I had school because they SAID SO.  I think they were honestly surprised when I quit.  Like, exactly what did they expect me to do?  Cave and give up school?  (pshaw)  Anyways, I started selling candles at home shows next (sort of like Tupperware) which gave me enough flexibility to finish the really screwy class schedule you always get towards the end of a degree.  And here I have to give props to my wonderful friends and my then-boyfriend-now-husband who drove me and all of my candle equipment to my shows because I didn’t have a car (or a license) because I couldn’t afford to both go to school and own a car.  You know, it really says a lot about the quality of friends you have when they’re willing to help you out with that kind of crap.  Thank you, you guys.  (Yes, I’m still friends with all of them.)

Oh, and I got a car right after I graduated.  My beige 66 VW bug that I’m going to restore completely one day (see millionaire entry).

What were you doing one year ago?

One year ago I was trying to convince my OB/GYN that no really, I’m retaining A LOT of water, much more than is normally retained… but I had inherited my OB halfway through the pregnancy so he had never seen me pre-pregnancy (I was really thin) and so he kept insisting that I “looked fine”.  I lost 23 pounds of water weight after giving birth.  I was miserable and moaning and the pregnancy made my brain all mushy.  And for some reason, I kept freaking out that I had NO SHEETS for the baby.   


Five snacks you enjoy:

1) cookies!
2) chocolate-covered pretzels
3) chocolate (see a theme?)
4) Cheese puffs
5) Ranch-flavored anything

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

I know A LOT of song lyrics so, of course, I drew a blank when I came to this one.  In fact, I can usually sing the song but not remember the name of the band or the song title.  Which came in really handy with Rock & Roll Jeopardy’s “finish the lyric” category (when it was still on), but isn’t very useful for much else. 

1) currently, anything musical that plays on Noggin
2) also any toy of my son’s that plays music

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1) Buy a bigger house (seriously, our house is tiny, too small for another kid)
2) Take care of family / invest money
3) Set up a scholarship fund
4) Restore my ‘66 VW bug  (this has only been on my list for 10 years)
5) Travel

Five bad habits:
1) I say “sorry” a lot (I’m getting better, though)
2) I bite/chew on my lip
3) Sometimes my mind starts drifting off in the middle of a conversation, not only when the other person is talking but when I’m talking, too… that can’t be a good thing.
4) I scratch at my skin when I shouldn’t (particularly if I’ve broken out… I know, gross)
5) I expect people to understand my humor

Five things you like doing:
1) Spending time with my kid
2) Reading and writing
3) Working (and then spending my hard-earned cash)
4) Gardening
5) Going to spas and other hedonistic pleasures (see #3)

Five things you would never wear or buy again:
1) Scrunchy socks (can’t do it, sorry)
2) those blouses that tie into bows at the neck (my mom made me wear one once)
3) “big” shoes such as Doc Martins (they’re extremely comfortable but now I just trip over them; and heels make your legs look much more sexy)
4) tapered jeans
5) muscle shirts

Five favorite toys:
1) my laptop
2) DVR (especially the 10-second “back” button)
3) my car (my new one, it goes fast!)
4) cartoons
5) um, can this last one be food or clothing items?