I answer a knock at my door to find…
Hello, ma’am. I’m Detective McScoop and this is Officer Nappy. We’d like to ask you a few questions.
Me: Of course! Is…is there anything wrong?
Detective: We’ll get to that in a minute ma’am. (He consults a notebook.) You have a son named Chance, is that right?
Me: Yes. He’s not here right now but…
Detective: And did he recently start on solid food?
Me: Why, yes. He’s been on solid food for a few weeks now. What is this about?
Detective: Bear with us, ma’am. Does your son also take a nap from 1:00 to 3:00 pm?
Me: Well, yes. Is he alright?!
The detective and policeman exchange significant looks.
Officer: We have reason to believe your son may have been involved in a recent butt explosion.
Me: What?! What do you mean?
Detective: There have been a rash of incidences involving hit and run poopings. Victims have been hit tragically, and we believe intentionally, with butt explosions. Usually after the perpetrator has consumed copious amounts of fruit. The person responsible has eluded us so far.
Me: You can’t be serious!
Detective: I’m sorry to tell you this, but we’ve been tracking the activities of your son for a quite a while. We’d like you to take a look at this. (He tosses a photo at me.)
Detective: You can tell by the splatter pattern that the pooper entered in through this door here and faced off with the victim at a right angle. The victim had his back to the door when he was hit.
Me: Oh, my god! (I turn away from the picture, gagging.) My son couldn’t have done this! This is preposterous!
Detective: We also found a bee rattle on the premises. I believe that is one of your son’s favorite toys.
Officer: They’ve been found at every crime scene, ma’am. Like a calling card.
Me: That’s still not any proof! Any number of potential poopers could have that rattle! It’s a link-a-doos toy!
Detective: There’s also a commonality among the victims… they’re all parents that belong to your son’s playgroup… parents who buy Luvs. Your son is a Huggies man, isn’t that right?
Me: That doesn’t mean anything! What about witnesses?
Detective: So far the victims have either been hit from behind or so blinded with poop that they’ve been unable to identify their assailant.
Me: How do you even know it’s the same pooper? There could be any number of babies committing these assaults. It could be some sort of gang!
Officer: Oh, we know it’s the same baby ma’am. The times of the incidences, the color and consistency, the range of the butt explosion all point to one perpetrator.
Detective: Plus, the calling card “rattle” and choice of victims are all your son’s MO. We currently have forensics working on a DNA sample to be sure.
Me (sobbing, I cover my face with my hands): Enough enough! What will happen if it’s him?
Detective: This isn’t a crime, ma’am, but it’s a nuisance. We’ll get him into a poop management group and some counseling. He’s made quite a mess.
Me (wailing): He gets it from his father!
Detective: I’m sure he does, ma’am. Can you tell us where he is? Ma’am, it will only be harder if you’re hiding him. We’re here to help.
Me: No, I swear! Last I knew he was with his grandma!
Detective: Well if he contacts you, you let us know. We’ll get to the bottom of this. Thanks for your time, ma’am.