In other news, the diet is going well...

The morning routine. I shuffle to the bathroom, relieve myself, turn on the water for the shower to heat up, and then stare bleary-eyed at the scale as I inch it around the floor to find the perfect "weighing spot" (i.e. the one that shows me the answer I want to see).  Once the water begins to steam I ditch the scale and hop into the shower.

Scant moments later (OK, 20 minutes if I'm lucky) I emerge from the shower refreshed and much more awake. I jump back on the scale. 

"Huh," I say, inching it around again, "That's a mathematical conundrum."

POOF!

"Einstein! What are you doing here?!" I exclaim.

"I heard "mathematical conundrum" and assumed someone needed help with the secret workings of the universe," said a white-haired man in a tweed sweater. "If you have questions just ask me."

"Oh," I say, feeling a bit silly, "Well, I don't know about secret workings of the universe..."

"Go on, ask anything," urged Einstein.

"You know I feel awful dragging you away from Heaven... or wherever..."

"No, no, I like to get away every now and again. Go ahead, tell me your conundrum."

"OK, if you're sure," I say, "Well, I was wondering why when I weigh myself before my shower I'm always one weight, and then when I weigh myself again after my shower I'm always one pound lighter than I was before. On the same day and even with variations and everything!  I'm always lighter after my shower than before.  Now I don't remember much from Algebra II but that doesn't seem like it should happen, right?" 

"Oh, that's an easy one but still quite a fascinating subject you've stumbled on to.  You see, when you first step on to the scale you've just woken up, you are groggy, limbs dragging, and in essence you are closer to earth. But!" Einstein pointed one finger in the air, in emphasis, "As you take your shower, get dressed, cleaned up, what have you, you start to plan out the details of the day. And so it goes with these details come little bits of anxiety, some little tensions, new ideas, old worries, etc... even for good plans this happens, it is the nature of planning. And as we know all things are energy, and these little bits buoy you up, they straigthen the spine, so to speak, until they lift the whole body and by the time you are out of the shower you have a spring in your step! So my dear," said Einstein with a smile, "it is not so much that you are one pound lighter, but rather that you are floating one pound up in the air!"

"Really?" I say, "That's amazing!"

"Yes, it's quite interesting. In fact, I've been studying the phenomena a bit in Heaven. I'm still in the early stages of research mind you."

"So how do I float ten pounds off the ground?"

"Oh, I think that would require planning something of a very complicated degree."

"Hmm," I mumur, "like doing taxes?" 

"Ah!" exclaims Einstein, "Strangely enough, taxes have the opposite effect. They weigh you down terribly, upwards of 50 pounds!"

I brighten, "How about a bank heist? That would take a lot of planning!"

"Hmm, that just might do it," Einstein stroked his chin. "Tell you what, you try it and I'll check back in with you. But please keep an accurate and consistent weight log! I'll add it to my studies."

"It's a deal," I say, "Hey Einstein, thanks for coming to help. It might not be the secrets to the universe, but I'm glad to know how it works."

"Of course, my dear," said Einstein as he starts to fade away in a misty glow, "Oh, one last thing..."

"Yes?"

"Even though you are floating one pound off the ground, your pants are still going to fit the same."

"DAMNIT!"


Sunny Bright Rainbow Happy Land Preschool

Preschool Director: "Well, that concludes the tour! Do you have any other questions about our lovely preschool?"

Mom:  "Yes, can you tell me a little about your educational philosophy?

"Director: "Certainly!  Here at Cheerful Name Preschool we believe all children have the potential for a bright future!  Our founder - bless her soul, she passed just a year ago - opened this school based on key tenets to build a bridge to success.  Therefore, we uniquely provide a nuturing and supportive environment for our children, carrying on her vision!"

Mom: "Oh, what are the key tenets?

Director:  "Excuse me?"

Mom: "You said your philoshophy was built on key tenets?"

Director:  "Er...yes, it's built on key tenets!" 

Mom: "O-Kay... well, what makes your school different?"

Director:  "Oh!  Well, here at Cheerful Name we strongly believe that a cheerful name provides a cornerstone of positivity that is crucial to a child's development.  For example, my name is Sunny and I've found I can get through many of life's rough patches by just taking a deep breath and saying my name..." (takes deep breath),  "Sunny!  A cheerful name just makes you feel good and we like to surround our children with that cheer.  What's your daughter's name?"

Mom, quite proudly: "This is little Morticia. Say 'hi' Morticia!"

Morticia, "Hi, lady!"

Director:  "OH! Oh, well... hmm, Morty... Tish... Ticia. Ticia is cute! We could work with that."

Mom: "Umm, what?"

Director:  "Well, Morticia is a little... not dark, but cloudy, don't you think?  And we do want to keep up that positive energy so they can reach all of their potential." 

Mom:  "My chief requirement is that you have a good kindergarten-readiness program.  I don't see how changing my daughter's name is going to help her learn."

Director:  "But it does! It does, you just have to give it a try! Our founder wouldn't have steered us wrong!"

Mom:  "Your founder specifically said this school was based on cheerful names as an educational platform?"

Director:  "Well, no, not specifically - you have to understand her passing was a little sudden - but that's where all the marketing literature was leaning... the importance of having a cheerful name."

Mom:  "OK, well thank you for your time!"

Director:  "Great meeting you! You can pick up an application at the front desk!"

Mom walks out past the front desk where the receptionist tries to hand her an application.

Mom: "No thank you." Sunny day

Receptionist: "For what it's worth the teachers here are quite good." 

Mom: "Really? And what's your name?"

Receptionist, sighing: "Diablo, but she makes me go by Dee-Dee."


More for the book

Madgirl Lovesong #5

To my dearest

Oh! The moon rolls round again…
and crushes…
it crushes me.
My belly twists with the weight of leaden love.
The moonboot footprints of desire.
Oh mountainous dead rock,
Ever without atmosphere,
I tremble at your influence.
I am a flower.

Now go get me some chocolate.


Another Author Interview (for the fabulously popular Book of Facetious Dribble)

INTERVIEWER: Your book’s meteoric rise to fame is unprecedented and, frankly, a little absurd.

ME (bouncing a little): I know! Isn’t it cool?!

INTERVIEWER: One can only wonder if the decline in education is faster than previously thought. Now, you yourself claim to have done post-graduate work…

ME: Technically, I’m a grad school dropout!

INTERVIEWER: But you say you’ve done some post-graduate studies…

ME: Yep. Working on a Literature MA when I left. I was not kicked out.

INTERVIEWER: Mmm-hmmm. About your title… you know that drivel is spelled “i-V-E-L”, right?

ME: Excuse me?

INTERVIEWER: Drivel, you misspelled “drivel”.

ME: No, no. It’s “dribble”.

INTERVIEWER: Dribble?

ME: Yes!  As in “topping dribbled over ice cream”?  Or drool.

INTERVIEWER: So… in essence you’re comparing your smartassery with the sweet, holy goodness that is hot fudge.

ME: YES!!  Or drool.

INTERVIEWER: Pause, glaring daggers.

ME: Smile, slowly fading.

INTERVIEWER: It’s a good thing you self-published.

ME (in mocking, squeaky voice): It’s a good thing you self-published.


Live blogging it

1:40pm
I have been sick all week.  I am still sick.  I thought I could be all cavalier and cowboyish and just push on through this "little cold".  It turns out... I am not a cowboy.

I've decided to live blog my illness, because I'm tired of not blogging and really, I'm only thinking in short chunks anyway.  I think that should be a term, "chunky thought".  As in, "she's a chunky thinker," or "her thinking is a little chunky right now."

Anyway, more soon.

2:10pm

So this one time our mailman's parked truck got sideswiped by some kid driving crazy. (BTW, crashes are loud.)  The kid drove off.  Of course.  And our mailman was all pissed and yelling when he came back to his truck, which he knew about immediately (because of the loud crash).  But... not that this has to do with anything with this particular incident, and I feel bad for him and all but... the truth is our mailman is not a very good driver.  You could kind of see it coming.

2:11 - 4:30 Nap

5:02pm

Madgirl Lovesong #8

When I think of you...

my mind becomes all newsprint...

black & white jumbled,

paper-mache layered and flat

like some stalker's discovered altar that you see on TV.

You know, on those forensics shows that get a little too gross.

I fear something has broken.

5:45pm

I've decided to write a book! (among the many titles that I've decided to write) but this one will be called The Book of Facetious Dribble.  It will be sort of my personal anthem.  And it will be full of dark humor, and rambling characters and maybe some sort of vague plot scattered amidst poems like the one above.  And illustrations!  It will have to have illustrations.  Probably bad ones, but still.  And it will be unfit for publication, so, of course, I will self-publish.  Because even those volumes unfit for publication are often fit for consumption (as the blog world has very well proven) and I'm sure there are plenty of people who will understand that a mock-serious poem about insanity and forensics is funny.  And further, they will also enjoy my scribblings about cats.  That was sarcastic.  Sort of.  I will still write about cats though.  But probably only the literary people will get the smartass cat poems. 

I'm totally psyched to write this!

7:21pm

No, it's not cold drugs. I really do have random thoughts like this all day.  Normally.

BTW, I am totally annoyed that I haven't gotten to the latest round of improv posts, because I have come up with a completely cool way to kill off my boss.

7:30pm

I just checked on my chocolates ('cause you have to do that) because Keen and I celebrated Valentine's Day/our first date anniversary early and he gave me chocolate and I just checked and... he has TOTALLY BEEN MACKING ON MY CHOCOLATES!  Dude.  I've had two. 

Rest assured, I have not touched the fancy cooking pot I gave him AT ALL!

8:18pm

Author Interview (for when The Book of Facetious Dribble becomes an underground hit (due partly to my diligent schlepping of it out of the trunk of my car)).

INTERVIEWER:  So, about your book... some say the "mad" series of poems, though darkly evocative and sometimes unbelievably fanciful, are based on actual experience... is this true?

ME:  Pretty true.

INTERVIEWER:  All true?

ME:  Pretty all true.

INTERVIEWER:  Are you sure?

ME:  To the best of my recollection.

blink... blink blink

INTERVIEWER:  What's with all the red and white stripes?

10:30pm

Beeeeeeed! (said in zombie voice)