Blame the Internet! A meme

Just so you know, I blame the Internet for everything.  Because really it is the source of SO MUCH!  For example,

I blame the Internet...

For the time suck games on Facebook

For making me feel vaguely concerned about such things as Klout and "Like" pages

For writing blog posts instead of working on my novel

For being deeply concerned that no one sets zombies on fire!  Really, it's a solution!

For giving me a false sense of social interaction

For relying on spellcheck

For considering online shopping while drunk (shoes!)

For feeling guilty

For gross videos that I CAN'T STOP WATCHING!

For not being able to keep track of my passwords by myself

For providing a real-time framework for existentialism

 

The meme: Just copy or add to this list, or create your own list of things you blame the Internet for, then pass it on! If you tag ten friends then you will have good luck with Twitter all day!


Generators don't get it

This is the sound of my writer's block...

I was fooling around with online poetry generators just for fun and oh my god, are they awful! I know half of them are meant to be funny, but there's some that seem to be halfway serious. Or mocking the whole poetry world as an artform.  Really mocking.  Meanly.  It's kind of disheartening, actually.  I understand that a lot of people have a really hard time understanding poetry, but it's not so inaccessible as all that.  Why are music and lyrics so easy?  Why is booty shaking supported as art, but poetry is mocked?

gah.

I started this post off as something funny and it turned on me. Cheer me up, R.E.M.

Improv time. Anyone want to throw me a few random words and I'll see what I can come up with?  Because it's gotta be better than this...

Love is a old lad.
Sharks travel like rough whales.
Desolation, desolation, and life.
Winds fall!
Oh, faith!


When Fall shortcircuits the brain (I blame school)

Dear Weather,

I am entirely frustrated with you.  I've never met anyone so fickle.  First, you ran cold all summer and I've got to be honest, weather, sometimes when a girl says she wants to pick her tomatoes she's not just being cute. Then when I absolutely gave up on all vegetable fun, you decided to come on strong.  I also really don't appreciate the heat wave while I'm making jam.  Hot kitchen + boiling fruit + flashbacks to equally miserable days of youth does not equal a good relationship.  And now you're right back to playing it cool while making heated innuendos.  Guess what? I'm not going to hang around forever while you decide what season you're in!

I've really tried to be patient but this is just not working. The sweaters are out in stores now. Get the hint.

P.S. I know it's totally tacky to leave this note on the windshield of your car but what the hell's up with not returning my calls?

              - wg

***********

Real conversation - my mom (that's Grandma to you folks) talking with her two grandsons.

Grandma: So are you two having fun at school?  What do you like about it?

Diego: Recess!

Chance: Yeah, recess!

Grandma: Of course you do. Is there anything you don't like about school?

Diego: I don't like the praying mantises.

Me: The praying mantises?  Are they in a cage?  (I'm thinking they're a class pet.)

Diego: No, they're on the edge of the playground.  There are seven of them.  And they're this big!!  (Shows me hands about 8 inches apart.)

Me: Really?!  Do they chase kids down and attack them?

Diego's eyes get big and very thoughtful.

Grandma: So Chance, what don't you like about school?

Chance, quite seriously:  The plumbers.

***********

This just in, meterological experts have detected a strange asteroid has entered our solar system.  Astronomers suspect that this new asteroid may be the cause of recent unpredictable weather patterns, and not El Nino like originally thought.  The asteroid also seems to be projecting some type of spore-like residue towards earth.  While authorities want the public to know there is nothing to worry about it is suggested that citizens avoid insects - that's right, insects - until the asteroid passes through our system.  More information will be coming soon as scientists continue to research this phenomenon. 

In other news, government officials suggest that anyone working with water to please check in with local health authorities. Strange behavior has recently been reported in water workers, including "lurking".  When key officials were asked if this had anything to do with possible contamination from asteroid spores they answered, "No comment".  Again, if you notice anyone exhibiting this behavior, or if you feel the need to "lurk" in restroom facilities, please go see your doctor. 


Got guidance?

We canceled our newspaper subscription and now I find I never know what the weather is going to be.  Or the news.  I am sadly ill informed.  I should be watching it but I find the news on television is 1) more depressing and 2) too fucking slow.  I want to speed read through all the pertinent items and avoid the fluff, and then I want to read the comics to negate the horror.  Ironically, for as much time as I spend on the Internet, I haven't gotten in the habit of reading news feeds regularly.  Part of this might be because I keep screwing up Google alerts.  I know, how do you manage to screw up a Google alert (you weirdo)?  I don't know, but I know I have because I KNOW there's a lot more news stories about aliens than I'm getting.

The UFO type of aliens. Not immigrants.

I would like to give a big shout out to all the mom's out there!  I hope everyone got their heart's delight in goodies. I tried coming up with something inspirational to write. But I failed.  Too many writing projects I'm juggling.  The mind taps out.   However....

...maybe I can come up with something improv inspired instead?  Any takers?  Throw out a few random words and let's see what sticks. 

           - wg


More Lying During the Holidays

I was over at Always Home and Uncool and he reminded me that it was time once again to churn out the family newsletter! Yeah, we’re one of those families… except for the small fact that I totally make mine up. I mean, I think we spend our year like most families… work, school, a vacation or two, a lot of TV. My method is just way more fun (and yes, I really do send it out). So while I’m working on this year’s edition, I thought I’d share last year’s…

Dear Friends,

We hope you and your families have had a wonderful year since last holiday season! It’s been quite exciting for the wg/Keen family this year. As many of you know we moved to a bigger house last spring, which we’ve enjoyed immensely. Even more so after we stumbled across a cache of old gold coins buried in the back yard! (I was putting in roses.)

The gold coins – Spanish in origin – came at a great time as we hadn’t had a family vacation since that whole France debacle. To commemorate the find we decided to wing down to Peru and take in some of the local Incan ruins. After hiring skilled guides, Keen, Chance and I trekked into the mountains for some camping and archeological spelunking. It was quite beautiful and the weather was perfect. None of us even got so much as a bug bite.

The only issue during our trip was Chance who, then obsessed with cats (or “kitties!”), kept wandering off into the wilderness in search of the many species of small cats native to South America. This caused us quite some concern but before we could put him on a leash (ha ha!) something happened near the end of our trip that made it even more memorable. Chance, on one of his feline quests, scaled up a cliff into a small cave. When we climbed up after him and poked our heads over the rocky edge we found Chance wrestling a giant mountain cat! We were horrified and feared for his life, but Chance had it well in hand (he’s wily like a monkey, that kid). After he subdued the great beast the guides were amazed to discover that it was not a mountain cat as we first thought… but a legendary American Cave Lion, thought previously extinct and lost to antiquity! With the guides help we managed to transport the prehistoric lion down the mountain and turned it over to the National Zoo. The Peruvian zoologists were incredibly grateful and extended an open invitation whenever we’d like to visit.

Unfortunately, our camera was accidentally mauled by the lion and we are only left with our memories of this spectacular trip.

Chance is now obsessed with bunnies.

The rest of the year has been a quiet yet treasured one spent at home. We hope you all are well and that your year has been as exciting and unforgettable. Merry Christmas and many blessings to you in the New Year!

Love always,
The wg/Keen Family


Everyone Blogs After Work

“Brains! Brains! Annnnnnnd….. they’re gone.”
“Whew! I needed a break. I’m still trying to digest that last batch. Is it just me or are they getting easier to catch?”
“Nah, definitely easier; even doing the stiff-leg shtick . Can’t complain, though!”
“You said it. Far cry from waiting for teenagers to make out in the graveyard, huh… Whoa DUDE!
What?!
“Oh my god! You totally have brains all over your cheek! No, no, don’t touch it!”
“Why not? Fuck man, you scared the crap out of me!”
“That totally looks like Abe Lincoln’s head! I gotta take a picture.”
“Shut up!”
“No really! Here, take a look.”
“Oh shit…” [both start laughing] “…you’ve got to post that one! That’s crazy!”
“Seriously. Talk about history repeating itself. Poor Abraham just can’t get a break.”
“Maybe you could photoshop in a bullet.” [both laugh harder]
“Wait… was he shot in the head?”
“Ummm… no, but he was shot. It’ll still be hilarious.”
“ABE!”
“Abe’s Brains!”
“Hungry Abe!”
[both fall silent gradually]
“OK... enough of this shit. I guess we should get back to work.”
“Yeah. Hey, where you headed after this?”
“Down to New Orleans. They believe in all that voodoo stuff, you know, so it’s not just seasonal pickin’s… it’s like all year! And the nightlife is just hopping. How about you?”
“I think I’m going to head to the East Coast.”
“Really?”
“I haven’t been in ages; thought I might check it out. And this one guy started begging for his life, you know how it is, and he threw me a bunch of cash and gave me this list.”
“A list?”
“Yeah, he said this bunch” [pulls out list] “would be extra tasty. Just like dessert.”
“These are all politicians and lobbyists!”
“Really?” [starts laughing again] “You follow all that?”
“Eh… it comes in handy. No one follows up on the disappearances much. Hold on… that one? That’s one of ours.”
“Which one?”
“Palin. Part of the union and everything.”
“Figures. I'll keep that in mind.”
“Hey, what did the zombie say to the politician?”
“What?”
“Damnit, don’t eat Mom!”
[groans] “Dude, I think we gotta call it a night soon.”


One Lift Too Many

The scene - Early evening at Stan and Janet Barkley’s house. Their guests for dinner are Michael and Gail Stevens. They are just sitting down to eat while Stan serves from the buffet.

JANET:  We are so glad you made it over for dinner!  We don’t get together nearly enough.

GAIL:  I know!  Oh my goodness, dinner looks lovely!  You really are a marvel, Stan.  So, what’s new?

STAN, conspiratorially:  This is my secret twist on Chicken Jerusalem.

JANET:  Well, both the kids are off at camp so we’ve had the summer to ourselves for once.  Oh, and I just got back from a fabulous spa trip!

STAN:  Now I know white wine is traditional with chicken but I think a good pinot noir goes with everything.  Hope you don’t mind.

MICHAEL:  Hey, what can you have against great wine?

GAIL:  Spa?  Ooh dish.  Where did you go?  What did you do?

JANET:  It was amazing!  The place is called The Virgin Rose.  The entire spa is devoted exclusively to vaginal rejuvenation.

MICHAEL: cough choke

GAIL:  Excuse me?

JANET:  I know, I know, TMI!  Ha ha!  But after having been there… I would tell anyone… anyone about it.  Stan, do you think we need the other salad dressing?  I’m serious, I’d tell anyone… Get. Your. Hoo-hoo. DONE!

MICHAEL:  O-KAY, wait a minute!

GAIL, fascinated:  You actually had something done… down there?

MICHAEL, turning to Stan:  Should we leave?

STAN: shakes his head while serving pasta

JANET:  Not just one thing!  I spent four days getting the works and I still have a few treatments to go.  There’s a whole specialty field now around sprucing up our most valuable asset!  Ha ha ha!  You can get lifts, you can tucks…

STAN:  Who wants dark meat?

JANET:  A little botox here, a little collagen there.  Laser doing… well, whatever it is that the laser does…

GAIL, to Michael:  Honey, here, have something to drink.

JANET:  Now granted the chemical peels sting a bit, but I am telling you… SO worth it! I feel like I’m fifteen again!

GAIL:  Wow.  (She turns to Stan.)  And what do you think about all this?

STAN:   It’s been great!  Just like when we first started dating!  Ha ha ha!  Although… and this is a small thing… it has started to look a bit odd…

Girl with Joan Rivers head for crotch

Thanks to Evyl for contributing “vaginal rejuvenation” for this one!  More commenter-inspired posts to come.  If anyone would like to make more suggestions just leave a comment here.
         – the weirdgirl


Open for poking

My brain is mush today.  Granted, Chance woke us up a couple times last night because he was running a fever and kept waking up thirsty.  But get this, I was also running a fever... did not feel sick at all!  I'm not sure Chance felt all that sick either because I asked him if anything hurt or if he was tired or, you know, nag nag nag with the usual mom questions and his response was, "I feel OK".  He just wasn't eating much and was thirsty a lot.  His temperature, at one point, was almost 103!  Mine was only 100, but for me that's a fever.  It's just, you know, if your skin feels hot and the thermometer is showing that you have a fever you'd assume that you'd be feeling symptoms of some kind or another, right?  We had even run around doing errands and going to OT before I even noticed we were both hot.  It was probably one of the stranger pseudo illnesses to hit this household.  (I blame the government.)

Anyway, I think my brain is mushy more to losing sleep than damage from weird, experimental diseases being let loose into the environment, or maybe it's the time of year, but I could use some help nudging the old brain pan awake.  So I am soliciting YOU, yes YOU, loyal readers to maybe throw out a few words and/or phrases and we'll do another little round of improv posting. 

Thank you in advance for anyone who helps!           - the weirdgirl

Previous commenter-inspired improv posts:

Dominant Lactating Mommies
Shakespeare's Mustard
Painful Playgroup Moments
A New Medium
Next in Line
The Internet Makes You Crazy
When Mutant Love Goes Commercial
Let the Good Times Roll
You Give Me Fever
Dildos and Cough Drops
Foo-foo Improv

(Did I miss any?


I've missed the memes

I was tagged by Summer with a meme!  I’ve noticed that not nearly as many memes circulate as they used to, but I still think they’re fun every once in a while.  Great for the end of the week especially.  This is a nice short one.

5 Things About Me

  1. Even though I’m half Hispanic I am very fair (it’s the Irish side).  I LOVE to sport a light tan in the summer (real or not) but every time I sit out in the sun I secretly worry that for every oh-so-light shade of tan I build I’m also creating another grey hair somewhere on my body.  There’s only so much melanin to go around.
  2. I am a tea junkie.
  3. I totally believe in ghosts.  (discuss)
  4. Every time I fill out a survey or form that asks for “highest level of education completed” I feel bad about not finishing my MA.  The rest of the time I feel fine about it.
  5. I’m a sucker for small pretty things, such as marbles, shells, and rocks.  I think this also partly explains why I make jewelry even though I don’t wear it a lot.

I now tag Andrea, Hannah, Lori (to get back in your blogging groove), Jason, and Jennifer to continue the fine meme tradition.  Have go!            - wg

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