Time to get back on the horse
And then a girder jumped up and bit my car!

In other news, the diet is going well...

The morning routine. I shuffle to the bathroom, relieve myself, turn on the water for the shower to heat up, and then stare bleary-eyed at the scale as I inch it around the floor to find the perfect "weighing spot" (i.e. the one that shows me the answer I want to see).  Once the water begins to steam I ditch the scale and hop into the shower.

Scant moments later (OK, 20 minutes if I'm lucky) I emerge from the shower refreshed and much more awake. I jump back on the scale. 

"Huh," I say, inching it around again, "That's a mathematical conundrum."

POOF!

"Einstein! What are you doing here?!" I exclaim.

"I heard "mathematical conundrum" and assumed someone needed help with the secret workings of the universe," said a white-haired man in a tweed sweater. "If you have questions just ask me."

"Oh," I say, feeling a bit silly, "Well, I don't know about secret workings of the universe..."

"Go on, ask anything," urged Einstein.

"You know I feel awful dragging you away from Heaven... or wherever..."

"No, no, I like to get away every now and again. Go ahead, tell me your conundrum."

"OK, if you're sure," I say, "Well, I was wondering why when I weigh myself before my shower I'm always one weight, and then when I weigh myself again after my shower I'm always one pound lighter than I was before. On the same day and even with variations and everything!  I'm always lighter after my shower than before.  Now I don't remember much from Algebra II but that doesn't seem like it should happen, right?" 

"Oh, that's an easy one but still quite a fascinating subject you've stumbled on to.  You see, when you first step on to the scale you've just woken up, you are groggy, limbs dragging, and in essence you are closer to earth. But!" Einstein pointed one finger in the air, in emphasis, "As you take your shower, get dressed, cleaned up, what have you, you start to plan out the details of the day. And so it goes with these details come little bits of anxiety, some little tensions, new ideas, old worries, etc... even for good plans this happens, it is the nature of planning. And as we know all things are energy, and these little bits buoy you up, they straigthen the spine, so to speak, until they lift the whole body and by the time you are out of the shower you have a spring in your step! So my dear," said Einstein with a smile, "it is not so much that you are one pound lighter, but rather that you are floating one pound up in the air!"

"Really?" I say, "That's amazing!"

"Yes, it's quite interesting. In fact, I've been studying the phenomena a bit in Heaven. I'm still in the early stages of research mind you."

"So how do I float ten pounds off the ground?"

"Oh, I think that would require planning something of a very complicated degree."

"Hmm," I mumur, "like doing taxes?" 

"Ah!" exclaims Einstein, "Strangely enough, taxes have the opposite effect. They weigh you down terribly, upwards of 50 pounds!"

I brighten, "How about a bank heist? That would take a lot of planning!"

"Hmm, that just might do it," Einstein stroked his chin. "Tell you what, you try it and I'll check back in with you. But please keep an accurate and consistent weight log! I'll add it to my studies."

"It's a deal," I say, "Hey Einstein, thanks for coming to help. It might not be the secrets to the universe, but I'm glad to know how it works."

"Of course, my dear," said Einstein as he starts to fade away in a misty glow, "Oh, one last thing..."

"Yes?"

"Even though you are floating one pound off the ground, your pants are still going to fit the same."

"DAMNIT!"

Comments

Jay Noel

Dang, I was hoping the pants might be a little looser. I guess floating a few pounds has nothing to do with losing actual inches.

I'll tell you what DOES work, though: Cutting wheat. I've gone wheat (grain) free for 10 days, and I've already lost 6 lbs and 2.5 inches off the waist. For reals!

the weirdgirl

I read that on your Facebook profile! Congratulations! It's so hard to lose weight. I've been doing it slowly by just diligently counting calories every day. My thyroid issues were making my weight ping pong but I think I'm pretty close to stable now.

P.S. I just came back from the San Francisco Writer's Conference!

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