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April 2013
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July 2013

Swimwear Must Die 2013

Oh yeah, it's swimsuit time again!  For those of you just joining us, I feel compelled to make fun of the swimsuit industry every year - the photos, the styles, the posing.  I don't know what it is, but the mockery just bubbles up inside me until it has to come out.  Plus, some of these shots are silly.  (Or maybe it's just shopping for swimsuits make Hulk mad!)

You want more? Just click under the category Fashion Rules According to Me.

This looks like a brothel lineup from Game of Thrones.  Sports Illustrated didn't even bother to use real bikinis, just CGI'd those suckers.  I'm waiting for a direwolf or dragon to pop up.

2013 swimsuit Sports Illustrated

In Mother Russia the hats keep you warm but the swimsuits give you very interesting tan lines.

2013 swimsuit furry hat

Dude, I don't care how hard you partied the night before but when you get up in the morning you still need to put on your swimswuit, not your girlfriend's.

2013 swimsuit men

Side view, so you can really see the floral and the satin trim. What?

2013 swimsuit Logan_Taylor_Rufskin

Gingham and bonnets?!  Holly Hobby is all grown up!

2013 swumsuit Holly Hobby

One glove is back!  FINALLY!!  I don't know how I lived going to the beach without a glove.

2013 swimsuit one glove

These ones would be cool if the faces weren't so tortured. Like, do I want a drug-addicted morning-after teen on my swimsuit?

2013 swimsuit faces

This isn't even a swimsuit, it just made me laugh.

2013 swimsuit skiny-banner

No risk, no buns!  (But plenty of horns.)                        - wg


Hot under the collar

I'm in day two of isolation.  Friday I took radioactive iodine to burn out poison me turn me into a huge rampaging lizard monster treat my thyroid.  I have to stay 3 feet away from people for four days because of the residual radioactivity.  The cats are taking it hard.  I've gotten a few pitiful "why won't you pet me" meows while I'm holed up in the den. However, my beloved child, he of the incessant lap climbing and ambush hugs to ad nauseum, won't come closer than ten feet.  He also whimpers when I walk past him from across the room!

So far, I've felt OK; just tired and thirsty and my stomach is upset.  But that could be from anxiety and the low iodine diet.  (Yeah, right.)  And to be totally grossly TMI it feels unusually hot when I pee!  Freaky.  I'm disappointed that there's no glowing, though.  You'd think that if you were going to purposely poison yourself with radioactive materials you could at least glow a little.

The worst thing about this process is the low iodine diet.  I didn't think it was too bad at first; I'd figured you couldn't eat a lot of salty or processed, canned foods.  We always use Kosher salt in our cooking so I knew I could eat stuff at home. What I didn't expect on the "Do Not Eat" list were things like all dairy products and chocolate!  Then came "don't go to restaurants", nothing from a commercial bakery, no lunch meats, and nothing with "red or pink food dyes", and on and on.  But then down at the bottom, almost hidden, were the words "no tea"!  Christ on wheels that is crazy talk, right there!  I mean, you might as well just let the clowns out of their cages.  I think I got the shakes as soon as I read that.

So I was supposed to have dinner at this great French Vietnamese place for my birthday on Thursday which totally got nixed because of the diet.  My best friend baked me a cake instead and brought it over before she knew about the "no chocolate" restriction.  After I blew out the candles and everyone else cut themselves big slices of Mexican chocolate cake and huge scoops of ice cream, my best friend turns to me with fork in hand and says,

"Wow, you know... this is kind of sad."

Munch, munch, munch.

Me: "YES I'M WELL AWARE OF HOW SAD IT IS, THANK YOU!!"

Happy Birthday, thyroid, you rotten bitch.


Sometimes ya just gotta punk it out

So a lot has happened.  First, school has ended, and as usual the end of the school year kicked my ass!  It's actually rather pathetic.  I just can't seem to remember from year to year how busy those last two months are.  I'm totally living in a delusional haze, my childhood memories of blissful spring and early summer completely overriding what my brain tells me is actually reality.  I can only blame it on some sort of mid-life dementia.  Watch I do the exact same thing next year.

Since it's now summer, I cut my hair!  Whee!  Because if you're gonna make a radical change you might as well do it in summer!  (I don't know why I think that's logical but I do.)  It's now the shortest I've ever gone.  And it's not bad.  Short curls/waves all around my face.  A little boyish.  Super easy.  I'll admit I've had other cuts I prefer but it's still pretty cute.  For a change I think it's perfect.  I get bored you know, and hair grows... which makes it the perfect creative outlet!

Oh, and check this out.  After a long and nonexistent campaign, I was voted in as a co-president of our PTA.  I know, I'm shocked, too!  I thought for sure someone better would come along.  It was really like I was just holding someone's place in line to buy movie tickets.  And then BAM! All of a sudden I'm on the board.  I'm really not the poster child for soccer moms everywhere, what with the punk red hair and swearing sass mouth.  And, you know, letting people cut in line.  But maybe that's just par for California. 

Also... as long time readers might remember I have a thyroid disorder, Grave's Disease.  Here's how that breaks down.  My autoimmune system, who is in general kind of belligerent, starts up the shit with, "Hey thyroid, guess what? I'm going to make you MY BITCH!!"  And my thyroid is all, "Oh no, you did not... I will cut you!  Don't test me, I WILL CUT YOU!" because she tends to overeact and spazzes out (which really, she should have figured out by now is just what autoimmune wants her to do. Don't take the bait, kids.)  But it's all good because I have meds that run negotiations between the two and generally keeps the antagonism at a simmering stalemate.  Except... just recently... my meds decided to totally pussy out of the drama (I'm sure they were sick of it, but still... rude!) and instead they went and hung out in the body's bar with the other miscreants.  Now, because of their loitering, I have liver damage!   Which basically translates to being itchy, tired, and having headaches because I've had to cut out all medications so my liver can recover.  It's amazing how much antihistamines and vitamins make a difference in your life until you cut them out!  I will never take you for granted again.  Well, there is one medicine I'm still on, a beta blocker so I don't have a heart attack while waiting for my radioactive iodine treatment to be scheduled. Yes, those are my choices. I can possibly have a heart attack from hyperthyroidism or I can become radioactive.  Which is just not as cool as Imagine Dragons makes it sound.  Not quite the relaxing start to summer I had anticipated.  But maybe I'll get some cool mutant powers out of this.  I'm hoping for time manipulation.  (Although I admit, all of this has been slightly useful for getting out of stuff when I just want to stare at the TV... "Oh honey, I would give you a backrub, but you know... liver damage!") 

Anywho, one of the possible side effects of making your body radioactive is your hair might start to fall out! Yay!  Which if it does, and since it's summer, I'm totally going to dye it blue.  Take that to its furthest conclusion and it's quite possible I could start the autumn with people wondering who the baldy-patched, blue-locked woman is. Oh her? That's our president.

I imagine membership will be leaving in droves!